My 7yo son is running away because I made him write a few sentences. I guess I shouldn’t expect any letters from the road.
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I can always end an argument with my wife by undressing; presto, she has a headache and goes to bed.
*Poltergeist tosses dishes out of the cabinet, rips the chandelier from the ceiling, pulls and severs the WiFi router from the wall, then screams like a banshee as it flies down the hallway*
13 Year Old Son: I’m bored.
[swimming]
friend: shark!
me: relax, you’re more likely to be killed by a bus than killed than by a shark
shark: *driving out of control bus into the ocean*
me: well I’ll be damned
My daughter is celebrating her 17th birthday with her friends at an Italian restaurant. My wife and I discussed what we did with our friends on our 17th and both stories involved alcohol, vomiting, fighting, the police, and drunk driving. I’m so glad my daughter is a square.
Woman love a men with good grammar
Make there knees week by writing them a love letter or too.
i’ve decided to start saying “moopy” instead of “movie” just subtly enough that people will silently question it but will never ask. i deserve this.
*I describe my lost cat to the cops*
Sketch Artist: *draws my cat*
Detective Dog: *adds WANTED DEAD OR ALIVE beneath the picture*
who did the taste test?
Went to the grocery store hungry. I didn’t need to pay rent this month anyway.
The circus serves as a great analogy for marriage. You’re either walking the tightrope or holding a chair because you told her to calm down.
If a demon ever tried to possess me my first thought would be: enjoy that debilitating anxiety my dude.
“It is the east. And Juliet is the sun. Now she an eggplant. Now she a goat. Now she a dog” -Romeo, if Juliet had snapchat
chews marshmallows with bovine intensity
[First Date. Full moon]
Her: You looked different in your profile picture.
Werewolf: I forgot to check the calendar
Warning to ppl who drink & drive, yday while driving, frnd took his arm out to indicate right turn & someone took his beer.
Rascals! #txt
I don’t want to brag about how cultured I am, but I’ve visited the outside of many historical buildings that charge an entrance fee
[watching scary part of movie]
10YR OLD: don’t worry, Dad… I’ll just delete my brain file that’s recording this part before I go to bed
ME: [trying not to appear visibly freaked out] cool
*destroys head of lettuce*
*becomes new ruler of all lettuces*
My brother said he’d have to call me back because he had to “take a shit.” That was six hours ago. At what point should I start to worry?
The older I get the less I care about bringing all the groceries inside in one trip
Date: Let’s exchange numbers
Me: Won’t that confuse people who try to call us?
Idiom update: “the pot calling the kettle black” is now “the guy from Aerosmith accusing a dude of looking like a lady”
*eats only grass-fed donuts
imagine if bumblebees made full-volume harley davidson noises. this is the only thing that could possibly improve them
Relationship status: Putting aloe on the wall and rubbing against it to apply in places that I can’t reach.
My kids told me to stop using teen lingo because I’m “SO old”, so I’m going to show them just how old I am and start talking Valley Girl.
Why yall taking long at Atm? yall
launching missiles or downloading
Space ships from NASA?
“Owen, you must hide this baby, at all costs, from Anakin Skywalker.”
“Okay. Should we continue to call him Luke Skywalker?”
“Seems fine.”
Confuse your enemy by leapfrogging them
PIGEON MAGICIAN: I want you to pick a car, any car…DONT TELL ME!.
Ok [shits on windscreen] is THIS the car you chose?