My 7yo twins informed me when they grow up they aren’t going to have kids, they want to travel the country in a motor home and take homeless children off the sidewalk.
I guess it’s time for the ol “kidnapping is frowned upon” talk.
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Back in the day, with $2 bucks you could go to the store and walk out with a bunch of Doritos, and beer. Now they have security cameras.
Mobster: you’re gonna sleep with the fishes
Lobster: that’s not the threat you think it is, Tony
[first date]
her: so what are you looking for?
me: [hits my head on the table] i dropped a shrimp
They’ll continuously make Fast & Furious movies until it’s a bunch of old men trying to get out of a grocery store parking lot
People in glasshouses shouldn’t throw surprise parties.
I keep a survival log when I’m forced to fast before bloodwork…so yes I can be a little dramatic when hungry.
Police: How did they break in?
Me: I have a fake garden rock w/a key inside.
Police: They found it?
Me: They threw it through the window.
*waking up from a nightmare* okay no this is worse
[meeting aboard the ISS space station]
Capt: all personnel are-David sit down please
Me trying to open a window cos it’s stuffy: in a minute
My autopsy is going to be surprising as hell because I am 100% filled with mashed potatoes
I saw a group of kids trying to put another kid into a dumpster. I had to step in, they couldn’t even lift him. We high-fived & laughed.
[date night]
me: you know it was pretty hard to get a table here
gf: we are in your apartment
me: you gotta carry it up like 4 flights of stairs then turn it sideways to get it through the door
If self driving cars are the thing of the future could you imagine how that’s going to change the repossession game? Imagine missing a payment and your Subaru just starts backing itself down the driveway.
When someone is talking on their phone in a public restroom, I flush repeatedly
Kinda pissed that I have to take my dog to the vet and not the dogtor.
creepiest cooking vid i’ve ever seen
I want to get a welcome mat for my front door that just says “Text Me”
I eat my Chinese food just like any other American, with chopsticks, one grain of rice at a time.
I’m on chapter two of the dictionary and this thing is just so disconnected. Like, what happened to the aardvark from the beginning?
Sometimes I’m scared I’ll miss my kids when they move out but then I find a bowl of cereal in the bathtub tub and I’m not so scared anymore.
don’t be scared
My son said he doesn’t plan on returning home from college until Thanksgiving so we’re turning his bedroom into a Spirit Halloween.
My mother was, let’s just say, not perfect. She’d routinely leave my little sister and I in the van for hours while she gambled. And even though we were patched-in to the casino security cameras and feeding her info through an earpiece, she still managed to blow hand after hand.
JUDGE: Are you trying to bribe me?
ME: All I’m saying is I could easily cut this burrito in half.
The only way I’m gonna hit the gym is if I accidentally drive into it
Why don’t furniture stores just tell us when they’re NOT having a huge sale?
Nobody:
My kid: I want my nickname to now be Hot Dogs.
Was getting into my electric car and a dude was like “I’ve heard those are worse than normal cars for the environment.”
“Oh yeah, way worse. That’s why I got it.”Just agree with people. They have nowhere to go.
For sale: Baby, won’t stop selling its shoes.
*barges into bank with guns drawn
Alright everyone now be cool and no one gets hurt!
*hands out sunglasses all around
Nice. Nice.