My 7YO was coloring in her room on her desk, now I’m wiping off the paint from every part of the house
You Might Also Like
Salt can’t be the only delicious rock. There must be other delicious rocks somewhere…
A flock of dads is called a grill.
adulthood is a constant struggle between “i deserve a treat” and “there’s food at home”
Surround yourself with people who will groom your eyebrows should you ever become comatose
Me: Sorry, I don’t have any alcohol in the house.
Her: Oh, you don’t drink?
Me: No, I drink. I just drink faster than other people…
Netflix never lets you forget you watched a sex documentary
I’m only looking for friends that could survive a hippopotamus attack.
CEO: we’re shutting down 60 offices to save $$ and everyone will work at home.
me: cool. do i get a bigger raise next year then?
CEO: haha no. but we will give you your office chair for free
“Just circling back on this.”
“Take another lap.”
Jokes on you, I still have a stockpile of toilet paper from the Mayan Calendar Apocalypse.
It’s not a hangover. It’s wine flu.
Some say the glass is half empty. Some say it’s half full. I ask “Are you going to finish that?”.
if a bee sting u, u get a lil pain but the bee dies so who really wins? “lol im OWNING all these bees” i say as i put my face in the beehive
I just got hit head on by a crazy women riding a menstrual cycle.
a Pride of Lions. A Murder of Crows. a Fame of Pete Davidson Exes
Once new outdoor seating is installed here it’s over for you benches!
My mom- I need you to fix my email
Me- What’s your email address?
My mom- Verizon
[narrating a commercial for therapy]
“For a 100 bucks an hour we’ll blame your mother.”
reporter: “what inspired your theory of gravity”
isaac newton: “i fell off the toil-”
agent: [leans into mic] “an apple hit him on the head”
I didn’t say you are fat, I just said that going out with you feels like going on a double date
Well well well…
*Takes off clothes
*Enters meeting room naked
*Coworkers gasp in horror
*Slowly backs out of room[whispers] “you said debriefing”
I wear my tattoos on the inside. Ever since having discount back surgery from a guy named “Spider.”
911: what’s your emergency?
me: what’s YOUR emergency?
911: *starts crying* omg no one’s ever asked me that before!
me: jk I’ve been stabbed
Me: I’ll give you a Wednesday for two Mondays
Stock Broker: that’s not how day trading works
WIFE: It’s great having kids, isn’t it?
ME: Oh yeah, it’s the best
W: How long until they go to bed?
ME: 4 hours, 17 minutes & 26 seconds
Executioner: final words?
Executionee:Supercalifragilisticexpialidocious
Er: you done?
Ee: didn’t buy me as much time as I thought actually.
Giraffes were invented in 1780 when three horses accidentally swallowed a ladder