My 8 year old daughter can already read at a 5th grade level and ignore me at a 12th grade level.
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1st date: get whatever you want
2nd date: these desserts are expensive
3rd date: let’s split an appetizer
4th date: waiter, I have a coupon
Raid™: For when you don’t want to kill ants, but want to make them late for something.
A party without Vodka is just a meeting.
My wife: “What’s Twitter like?”
Me: “It’s amazing.”
Her: “OK, I’ll join.”
Me: “Oh look, Twitter just shut down forever. That’s too bad.”
me *brings toddler his popsicle* What do you say?
toddler: Finally
Things were getting kinda boring so thought it’d be fun to spice things up a bit!
– my 3yo, peeing everywhere except the toilet (after months of no accidents)
Washing machine: Hey, your laundry’s done.
Me: May I have it?
Washing machine: No, hang on, I need 30 seconds to say goodbye.
Me at a wine tasting:
*swirls glass*
*sniffs*
*sips slowly*
*stares off into the distance*
…Ah, yes. This is in fact wine.
hotel guest: what room am I in?
me: this is the lobby
manager: can I talk to you
OH. COME. ON.
Left my son in the rock tumbler now I gotta explain to his momma why hes smooth as hell.
Fitness update: I rode a bike yesterday, and today it feels like I’m smuggling a baseball
god: i have made Mankind
angels: you fucked up a perfectly good monkey is what you did. look at it. it’s got anxiety
Hilarious that in this day and age there are people who expect you to be presentable at any given time. Like, no, bro, I need at least a half hour lead time to turn this mess around.
October is when everyone changes their handle and their avi and now I’m completely lost.
I suffer from paranoia and procrastination. Everyone is out to get me, just not right now
I just ate my yogurt with a fork, because I’ve learned that if it looks like you have your shit together, people ask you to do stuff.
Email: You are invited to a virtual—
Me: Nope.
You never say “I love you” back
Tater tots:
no babe, my vegan friends don’t want to meet you for the first time at a place called “the flaming pig”
[eating chicken]
farmer: YOU AGAIN
I just learned that there’s a porn genre that involves being fucked and fed junk food at the same time so I guess this is “goodbye.”
I don’t need a reason to say stupid shit. I just need a venue.
The ouija board message was “if you’re reading this, I’m already dead”.
Welcome to your 30s. Water gives you heartburn.
It’s not as serious as some of the parents in the elementary school pick-up / drop-off line seem to think
Medusa: ok so I’ve decided I want bangs
hair stylist: *visibly pales
*me on my deathbed* here, I want you to have my basket of cords.
Boss: I want only essential employees in the office.
[next day]
Boss [looking at me]: why are you here
The glove snap before the prostate exam isn’t necessary. We just do that to mess with you.