My 8 year old daughter just ate dinner and didn’t even notice the onions that were in there.
If you were wondering about my hiding skills.
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Just got kicked out of Chipotle for knowing what I wanted when I got to the front of the line.
Flight attendant: You’re sitting by the emergency door. Will you be able to open it if necessary?
Me, having just put lotion on my hands: *sweats profusely*
I looked at bright side once and it gave me the finger.
[coffee shop]
BARISTA: may i help you?
GUY WHO DEFINITELY LOOKS LIKE A SWARM OF BUTTERLIES IN A TRENCH COAT: you’re out of sugar water
Calling them ‘orcas who capsize boats’ is fine, but I just feel calling them Keeler Whales would be so much better
“Open Mike Night” sounded like a lot of fun until I realised I’d been invited to an autopsy.
Does anybody know what day Easter falls on this year?
Fly me to the ouch
Let me play among the ouch
Let me see what ouch is ouch
On ouch ouch ouch ouch ouch.– Frank Piñata
BREAKING NEWS: Scientists have discovered what may be the worlds largest bed sheet. More on that as it unfolds.
Her: I’m leaving you
Me: Because of the ancient Roman literature puns?
Her: Yah
Me: But Aenid you
It used to be that at least once a week you’d walk down the street and see a piano dropped on someone’s head from an apartment above and that person would pop out of the top with piano key teeth. this is what they’ve taken from us
Sony has announced MORBIUS will be released once a month until their demands are met.
She : Drink responsibly..!
Me : Responsibilities are the reason why I drink.
me: I can’t decide what to have
waiter: what about the duck?
duck: I’ll have lasagna
people often debate spf levels, but i’ve always found the most effective sunscreen to be the roof of an air conditioned house
“Are you ever going to boil?”, I scream at the pot of water that is sitting on a burner which I didn’t turn on.
ARE YOU READY FOR TACOOO TUESDAAYYYY?
— my kid on a Saturday
Enforcer: Kids don’t get kneecaps until age 6.
Baby loan shark: Well crap. How am I supposed to get my money out of the little snots?
me: [excitedly opening litter box] those are not kittens
I told my sons that we used to have to ask girls out and even break up face to face and the look of horror on their faces was priceless.
I won a chocolate bunny at the carnival but it was a hollow victory.
me: how can I impress my date
friend: buy her dinner
me: ok
[later at the restaurant]
her: what?me: I said how much do you want for your burger?
when someone rings the doorbell
2 wants to be a firefighter when she gets big so she can “save all da people from da pigeons and spiders.” You’re welcome.
Me: Well, I lost 9 pounds.
Her: That’s great, hon! Where’s the baby?
Me: Let me repeat…
My wife and I have to put drops in the cat’s eye before we go to work. Just in case you see a headline like “Couple mauled to death by two pound kitten” tomorrow
Ladies, if he’s
– always giving you one-word responses
– unsupportive when you’re visibly upset
– coming over unannounced in the middle of the night
– faintly tapping at your chamber doorHe’s not your man. He’s the Raven, nothing more.
I may mix up my idioms but I know one thing: You can’t throw a book by its cover.
Your kid says “don’t worry I take care of it” but you don’t know what “it” is.
when you miss someone’s call by one second and immediately call back and they don’t answer. what’s going on there. did your telephone explode. did you fall into a chasm.