My 8 year old daughter just ate dinner and didn’t even notice the onions that were in there.
If you were wondering about my hiding skills.
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My kids persuaded me to buy Peppa Pig pasta shapes, and tonight I’ll be testing their understanding of irony by making them bacon pasta for dinner.
“Are you the branch manager?”
“Yes I am, how can I help you?”
“I would like two branches, please.”
“How would you like that?”
“Two big sticks, four little sticks.”
I can never find my cars keys but I won’t forget that time you checked out another woman at the mall four years ago.
the human. just got home. i have no idea. where they’ve been. but in their absence. they’ll be proud to see. that i took it. upon myself. to redistribute. all the footwear. i could find. throughout the household. because i decided. that was. my duty
My 8 yo daughter’s idea of cleaning is sitting in front of the fridge and eating all the food.
WIFE: He treats our marriage like it’s a talk show
THERAPIST: Is this true?
ME: *turns and winks at camera* We’ll find out after the break
god bless the 1st weatherman to dress as danny zuko & plead with sandy
me: can i buy u a drink
girl: ladies drink free tonight, idiot
me:
girl:
me: can u buy me a drink
I tried meowing back to the cat to show him I was making an effort, but he just switched to English.
Imagine if Iron Man could do whatever an iron can. 🎶 Flattens shirts, with his heat. Gives your slacks a nifty pleat. 🎶
cop: looks like the groom was murdered by his best man
detective: so you’re saying it was a *removes sunglasses* homiecide
cop: I don’t get it
detective: bc you have no friends, neil
“I get plenty of exercise” I tell myself as I eat a banana peel because I’m too lazy to get off the sofa and throw it away
Me: ‘I miss you.’
The Point: ‘No shit.’
How cold is it? I just snapped off an ear putting on my mask.
Men are from Mars. Women are from Venus. Mars has 2 moons. Venus has no moons. Do you see where I’m getting at? Men, GIVE BACK OUR MOON!
If I ever become a ghost, I sure hope they have some options other than pottery.
Netflix announces price hike where you still pay $5.99 a month even if you don’t have an account.
“A room in motion will stay in motion until you sober up.”
~Newton’s little known fourth law of motion
Him: What gets you hot, baby?
Me: mmm, talk to me in an accent.
H: Zoinks, like, there’s a ghost! Let’s get out of here Scoob!M: *swoons*
Today is the one day I don’t get weird looks from people for carrying around my pillow case full of chocolates.
A turn signal, but if you use it, your car catches on fire
~ the guy in front of me, apparently
No pants were worn during the making of this tweet.
With the rubber gloves, face masks, face shields, condoms, and smell of Lysol…sex isn’t as fun as it used to be.
[cats] think i’ll go to another part of the house and scream at god
My husband and I often laugh about how competitive we are, but I laugh more.
BARISTA: Would you like to try our new special Peruvian blend? It’s sm-
ME: I’m just trying to stay awake and not punch anyone.
Friend: I’m getting married!
Me: Have you considered just letting a homeless man sleep on your couch, instead?
A lot of people don’t know this but if you’re turned into a vampire you don’t actually get a vampire name.
Some of you will just be Gary the Vampire
Singing happy birthday when masked is no longer permitted until we determine who was beatboxing.