My 8 year old just pointed a lady into the direction of the toy section at this K-Mart and now he’s the assistant manager
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People call me a “Trekkie” but I’m not, I’ve only seen Star Wars a couple of times
I slept well. My eyebrows evidently tossed and turned.
My neighbor asked how I keep my grass looking so good
I told him to have a seat, it’s kind of a lawn story
Sure reading a book under a tree is peaceful but imagine how stressful it is for the tree to see a bunch of it’s dead friends in your hand.
Nicknamed my newly crawling baby Roomba, for the obvious reasons
me: it was my first day in prison, so I went up to the biggest, scariest guy and punched him
St. Peter: then what happened
If you have a tattoo on your head, you’ve lost the right to ask me what I’m looking at.
“sorry i went off topic haha” -me, never having been anywhere near a topic
My doctor advised me to ease back into my exercise regime. So, today I plan on driving past the gym slowly.
Why do they write PIZZA all over the box???? what else could possibly be in there???
[the invention of tennis]
“I don’t want this ball.”
“Well, I don’t want it either.”
Women are like campfires.
Beautiful, hot, smell great, warm your heart.
And, both don’t like it if you pee on them.
Mostly.
Therapist: what was it like growing up?
Me: I just [reaches for tissues] kept getting taller.
[Biblical Times]
God: oh shit
Angel: what?
God: I just realized I’ve been leaning on the frog button
[first date]
Me: that is hilarious
Date: …
Me: wait, bread or dead?
Date: how would my parents be bread?
THEM: Let’s head down to Paradise City. I heard the girls are really hot there.
ME: What’s the grass situation?
If you’ve had a lightsaber pointed at you while you were on the toilet you may be a parent …or your life is way more interesting than mine
I’m sure Leonardo DiCaprio‘s girlfriend is a wonderful person but I saw a headline that said she “has a message for her haters” and all I could think was “is it ‘I really need my .5 lead mechanical pencil back before Bio’”
9-1-1 help, someone buried me alive *looks at phone* christ, and there’s no wifi
A mom hits peak passive aggressive when faced with the request “tell me a story”
Well Billy, once upon a time there was a little boy who literally never picked up his shit
We need more insane laws like New Jersey’s “can’t pump your own gas” rule. No tying your own shoes in Delaware. It’s illegal to make your own pancakes in Wyoming. Don’t even try to shear your own sheep in Montana. I dare you to blow up your own balloons in Tennessee
it’s cool I can come out tonight my 11yo son gave me the go-ahead
Realtor: It’s a four-story building.
Me: Nice!
Realtor (quietly): AllFourOfTheStoriesAreAboutPeopleWhoDiedHere
Me: What?
Realtor: It’s cozy
me: “so when do you think we’ll see a big hairy boy?”
my hunting partner: “please call them bears”
Forget the fad diets, I’m gonna lose weight the old fashioned way – by not having enough money for food.
<—– gave a man a heart attack by admitting he was right
When my wife says “Guess what today is.”
[ gets death tarot card ]
me: i’ve heard it’s really not that bad
blackjack dealer: seems kinda bad
Just a reminder that Jingle Bells makes it sound like some grand adventure but a one-horse open sleigh is literally the cheapest sleigh you can get.