My 8-year-old son told me my veins on the back of my legs are looking better, thus showing me he really knows how to compliment a woman.
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2025
-All children are named Logan
-The most recent president is a ferret who came in 2nd on the Amazing Race.
-Betty White is still alive
Who called them potatoes & not the motherchip.
Check out some of these wacky signs you guys sent in! 👎⚠️ #FallonTonight
*watching James Blunt mouth “not you” to me after singing You’re Beautiful in concert*
I did squats today. Mostly because I was hiding from a coworker.
Words can not even begin to describe your beauty and how much I need to borrow your car.
centipede: *trips*
*but for like, an hour*
Mcdonalds showing people doing yoga in their commercials is like George Bush having a library named after him.
Sex so good the peeping Tom made sandwiches.
a contractor is just a regular tractor that rips people off
To whoever is going out with my ex, please step up your game because He is still texting me.
My body is a temple, but it’s one of those temples in Thailand where they let monkeys shit all over the place
My kids have eaten 47 lbs of candy. They aren’t sleeping until December 12th. Send help.
journalist: is it true that youre attracted to inanimate objects?
me: [lips on mic] that is a false allegation [lips get closer to mic]
Who wants to be my Valentine?
*slams table
WHY DID VILLAINS FROM SCOOBY-DOO ASSUME THEY’D GET AWAY WITH ANYTHING IF NOT FOR MEDDLING KIDS THEY GOT CAUGHT BY A STONED DOG
I could die climbing Mount Everest or I could die sitting on my couch eating Tostitos and I think we all know which one is preferable.
Wife: “Oh Honey, what would you do without me?”
Me: “realistically or in my fantasies?”
A friend went on a cruise and when I asked how it went he said “well I didn’t throw up” and this is now my measurement of success for everything.
They should invent clothes that get fat with you
My kids have been watching Bluey and they’ve started saying ‘oh biscuits’ instead of ‘oh shit,’ so don’t tell me screen time isn’t beneficial.
They should put barf bags in all the voting booths this year.
Think I nailed my job interview today because I wore a graduation cap to make it look like I graduated high school
You know what would make my cubicle super cute? Fire.
If I ever had an out-of-body experience I would at least insist upon an upgrade upon my return.
ME, TO MY BEER: Let’s get to the bottom of this.
Waitress: And what can I get for you, hon?
Jesus: I’ll have…….. (snickering) a water
Remembering that time in grad school when my advisor, a great ornithologist, got a random call:
drunk guy, bar noises in background: IS THIS THE BIRD PROFESSOR?
my advisor: um..yes?
drunk guy: DO HUMMINGBIRDS HAVE FEET?
my advisor: …yes
*wild cheering over phone from bar*
Hamburgler: Success! Look at this amazing haul of these McDonald’s burgers!
Hamburgler’s Mum: *sobbing* Your brother is an architect.