My 8-year-old son told me my veins on the back of my legs are looking better, thus showing me he really knows how to compliment a woman.
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Just when you think you have your shit together, a sock goes missing from the dryer and disappears from the face of the earth.
And another thing. People just want to eat a banana without ridicule. They need the potassium. What do you people have against potassium?
therapist: so what’s troubling you?
me: my parents taught me to be so polite that now i have trouble taking up any emotional real estate
therapist: and how does that make you feel?
me: fine
“Sir, are you interested in the satellite radio upgrade?”
…uhhhh, for driving in space?
Life Coach: there are 2 wolves inside of you. The one that-
Me: are they ghosts? Spirit wolves? Do I have wolf powers or-
Life Coach: *slowly returning business card to wallet*
Just saw two identical twins out in public together. No disrespect to that lifestyle but please keep it private
Don’t you just hate it when you’re in the middle of crafting a great tweet but then you get rudely interrupted and lose your train of thought?
Passenger in car: OMG WATCH OUT
My summer body has been pending for about ten years
Thank goodness it’s open for most of Octermeber
Me: OMG did I tell you about my mom’s Facebook post?
Cop: Not only do you have the right to remain silent, I’m going to have to insist on it
The longer I stay home, the more homeless I look
DO NOT ATTEMPT TO SURGICALLY CHANGE YOUR SON’S BONES TO STEEL LIKE WOLVERINE. THERE WILL BE A LOT OF QUESTIONS.
i want the first line of my obituary to be about how i once used an umbrella three different times before losing it
priest: “does anyone here know why these two should not be wed?”
me: “SHE LEAVES THE VOLUME ON ODD NUMBERS”
priest: [slowly closes bible]
Another election year, another voting day writing in Bart Simpson on the ballot.
The eclipse was like April fools for birds
My cat: *standing on my chest to block my computer screen, pressing his nose to mine & staring deeply into my eyes*
Me: Well. Hi.
My cat: You’re very clingy.
I can’t touch my face so I’ve been letting the cats apply and remove my makeup. They’re getting pretty good at it.
My son loves to cook and my mom said great now he can teach you and I said no now he can cook for me
You can always tell when someone is on a diet by how they scrape every last bit from that yogurt container.
I was the only one who would bake with my grandmother. When she died she left her best recipe to everyone except she deliberately left out a crucial step as payback. That’s the level of petty I aspire to.
I haven’t gotten my blood pressure checked in probably like 3 years, but I wear sunscreen every day because healthy living is about balance.
Every history textbook chapter should start with “everyone was just minding their own business, and THEN”
Just saw a ‘Jesus 2020’ sign and I had no idea he was running
Cat 911: What’s your emergency
Cat: I can see the bottom of my food dish
Cat 911: Oh, well just wait patiently and the humans will fill it
Cat:
Cat 911:
Cat: Haha hahaha
Cat 911: hahahha
Cat 911: Seriously though, knock something off the counter
Hey Young Girls, when a first date suggests you two go to “your place”, take him to Target.
End of date
Me: I’ve been waiting for this moment all night
Him: *closes eyes and leans in for a kiss
Me: *honks horn as I speed away *
Him:Wow you came back from your run in record time…
Me:It’s amazing how fast you can go if you imagine your mother is chasing you…
I just saw a pizza delivery guy get in a terrible accident. I feel so bad. Someone’s just sitting around, wondering where their pizza is.
Awwwwww he is confused! ❤️🤣🤣