My 8 yo daughter’s idea of cleaning is sitting in front of the fridge and eating all the food.
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Perfect.
What if the hobbits couldn’t fly the eagles into Mordor because the eagles were made by Boeing
“want to go grab some dinner?”
*lights cat on fire* sorry I can’t my cats on fire
How did you break your leg?
[flashes back to tripping over couch] I twisted it while pushing a toddler out of the way of an oncoming train.
i only got hired to babysit one time and i let the kid drink from a puddle. well technically we both drank from the puddle
Imagine Dragons.
No. Dragoner.
my girlfriend is such a good actor haha she likes to pretend like she doesn’t exist and is just apart of my imagination
Dude came through my broken gate and told me he was a fencer. He seemed shocked when I stabbed him in the chest like, on guard, dude
My tongue was actually in the Guinness Book of World Records until the damn librarian kicked me out.
instead of “did you eat today babe?” it’s always “how many eggs did you eat today babe?” and “was it only eggs again babe?” and “there are only two eggs left babe, the carton was full this morning.”
NO CONDOM FOREVER! or whatever tf black panther said
*my windows are foggy and my car is rocking in the McDonald’s parking lot but it’s just me inside eating Big Macs*
When you go to the zoo, one person in your party is required to wear a safari hat. It doesn’t have to be you, but if you’re lucky, it will be.
ME: rock, paper, scissors
PROCTOLOGIST: *snaps on glove* and you’re sure that’s all
yesterday I met a guy for coffee and he asked what I’d like to drink and went and fetched the order. And he came back with two cake pops and I was like aw that’s cute! and then he ate them both. in front of me.
………….so like he’s clearly a monster right
TV led me to believe there would always be a potted plant to hide behind when needed.
Alas, this is not so.
This hand cream is expired, but it tastes completely fine.
That moment when your 5 year old asks you if your 1 year old can go into the washing machine, and you really hope he isn’t already in there.
I never feel more betrayed than when my hair won’t cooperate because it’s too clean
Sex with me is like bowling. Lots of drinking and cursing. Sticking your fingers in weird holes. You have to rent shoes.
[commercial for twitter]
hey do you love wasting time and also getting angry
First line in frozen pizza instructions: DO NOT EAT FROZEN PIZZA W/OUT COOKING. It’s almost like they know I’m the target demographic.
What I thought I was doing: Leaving my house for a girls’ afternoon at a local winery.
What I was actually doing: Explaining to my 5yo why he can’t call the police just because his dad asked him to pick up his Legos.
Watched The Little Mermaid with my girl last night & realized that Aerial could be on an episode of Hoarders. : /
I worry a lot about the wild animals in my neighborhood but I’m beginning to think that they don’t worry very much about me.
Wife: Who is it?
Me [hand over phone]: The police, they say it’s now illegal to fake throw a ball
Dog in other room: [hangs up his phone]
“I could play my drum for him? Would your sleeping baby enjoy that?”
Seeing my kids getting along, laughing, and peacefully playing together is the best fourteen seconds of my day.
The first rule of denial club is I can stop anytime I want.
4: Mom, how long was dad inside you?
Me:
4: Mom???
Me: What the f-
4: Well??? How long was he inside you before you had him?
Me: Oh honey no I didn’t birth your dad, grandma did!