No matter how cold it is, someone is sleeping with the fan on.
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Sam can’t find a tennis ball, and wants me to throw this small rock. Ladies & gentleman, this is the face of addiction.
A dog opens the front door.
Wearing a suit, he drops his briefcase, walks to the couch, and crashes next to his owner.
“Hey, buddy. How was work?”
And the dog goes “RUFF.”
I wrote a book. It’s a murder mystery. You’re in it but only for the first couple of chapters.
There should be an energy drink named 6 AM toddler.
“What do your tattoos mean?” They mean I can sit still for a long time
Me: Did you throw your carrot-sticks in the grass?
3yr old: No, the crow did it
Me: You know you must always tell the truth, right? Fibs are bold
3yr old: *points out window
Me: *See’s crow stealing and flinging carrot-sticks in the grass
3yr old: It’s nice to say sorry.
Rihanna was named the sexiest woman alive. Is it really necessary to specify “alive”? Are they worried someone will dig up bodies & compare?
My favorite pastime is roasting marshmallows over the bridges I burn.
i made way too much chili and i’ve been eating way too much chili and at this point i’m like 87% chili
The government shut down. Monkey knife fights in my backyard in one hour BYOB
The way I act when I have to line my wheel up at the car wash you would think I’m trying to land a 747 on a tightrope.
I’m going to be a ghost who haunts people with a high metabolism. Hate never dies
PEAK POKEMON DESIGN
I opened Facebook by mistake, it appears I’ve missed 738 birthdays because I haven’t been on for over 2 years 😳
I think what finally pushes me over the edge will be the weapons-grade tweeness of one of those ‘[Verb] your [adjective]’ advertising slogans. ‘Find my amazing’? I’m afraid you’ve just made my deranged.
[Speed Dating]
People act weird when I explain that I ate my twin in the womb, but when would have been the right time to do it?
What I ask my husband to buy:
Milk. Just milk.What he hears:
Some chocolate, doughnuts and trifles. Oh and milk.
CW: What’s for lunch; smells good!
Me: Well I made lasagna last night but lost a fingernail in it & haven’t found it yet.
CW:
Me: *smirks*
May never get over this
god: rabbits
angel: cute. wait, wh-what are they doing
god: ya they do that
angel: they’re multiplying
god: they’ll slow down
angel: they aren’t slowing down
god: holy shit
angel: they won’t stOP FU
[ next day ]
god: porcupines
[returning from Damascus]
St Paul: “Friends! Let me tell you all about God’s son, Esus”
Voice from the crowd: “Esus? But I thought-“
St Paul: “The letter “J” doesn’t fall into common usage until the 16th century”
St Ohn: “It’s true”
If you get drunk and message your ex, don’t worry. When you wake up, send bitcoin ads and pretend you were hacked.
I went to a vegan restaurant once. Wait, no, that was just a florist.
You don’t know how to properly recycle cardboard? Let me break it down for you
A milkshake in the yard yields hornets. Therefore, place a hidden milkshake in the yard of your enemies.
me: you ever have conversations in your head?
me: lmao no
I just had a guy explain maps to me. He handed me a map and said, “This is a map. You use it to locate things.”
I didn’t know what to say so I replied, “These are my shoes. I am going to use them to walk away now.”
I think this cat is broken