@Mr_Kapowski: My 8 y/o memorized my 12 character password that has upper and lowercase letters, numbers and symbols but can't remember to flush the toilet
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@KalvinMacleod: WIFE: there's a bear outside our tent ME: so W: so scare him off M: *unzips door* Donald Trump might become president *bear jumps into fire*
@SteveKoehler22: Got my son a bumper sticker "Proud Child of a Twitter Dad" ... and now he proudly displays it on the inside of his trunk.
@SamReidSays: Netflix, stop making me wait 15 seconds between episodes. I can't click because I'm eating cereal and a sandwich.