My 8 y/o memorized my 12 character password that has upper and lowercase letters, numbers and symbols but can’t remember to flush the toilet

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If someone says they’d “Like a word with you,” I can guarantee it’s way more than one word and you’re not going to like any of them.


*buying teacher’s gifts*
7: Mrs. J said she hates candles.
Me: {recalling mountain of homework every night} Pumpkin Spice Candle it is then!


– What’s your cell phone?
– iPhone.
– No, I meant the number.
– It’s a 6.
– No, to contact you.
– I don’t use it for that.


Date: Do you go camping?

Me: Our ancestors evolved in order to give us pillow-top mattresses and flushing toilets. Why would I sleep outside?


Her: is the game almost over?

Me: this is just the first half

Her: uggghh how many more halves are there?

Me: you’re pretty


if people really didn’t want to hear smartass responses they wouldn’t keep asking questions like “do you know why i pulled you over?”


[park bench with girlfriend]
so you’re dumping me because you don’t think I’m smart?
“yes brent”
*starts raining*
great and now sky water


Catapult: an ancient military device for hurling large objects

Dogapult: an ancient military device for hurling large objects, fetching them, bringing them back, and hurling them again


I’m gonna start carrying breath mints around in an engagement ring box just to briefly make women really uncomfortable during conversation.