I helped my kids clean under their beds & we found 37 sticks, 15 rocks & their long-lost brother.
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Her: Hey, I was just thinking about you.
Me: Isn’t it fun?
[first day in prison]
me: I was told to join the meanest, most violent group in here so I was wondering if you guys had a spot open
guard: what
I miss the part of the pandemic when the pizza delivery guy would place my order on a little box and walk away from it like I was royalty.
Never invite a renegade cop from a 90s action movie over for board game night. They play by their own rules!
ME [8:49PM]: on my way, taking a crab
GF [8:50PM]: u mean a cab
ME [8:52PM]: not exactly. be there in several days
The problem with Chinese food is an hour later you feel like hacking the Pentagon again.
Me: I twisted a muscle in my leg.
Physio: Running?
Me: Sleeping.
nice challenge
Who’s soul do I have to sell in order for my eyeliner to come out even on both eyes?
Apparently when you donate blood, it has to be YOUR blood.
Employment Agency: We got you an interview with a cable company, doing installation.
Me: *shows up to interview 3 hours late*
Interviewer: Oh my God… You’re hired.
This morning the cat gently nudged my sleep mask off of my eyes at exactly 7:30 AM, an adorable – but ultimately unacceptable – development.
My husband called and asked if I could be naked before he gets home from work. I feel awkward sitting here with his mother, but whatever.
[Heaven]
God: Sorry I pulled you away from earth
Stan Lee: Nuff said!
God: It’s just part of the job
Stan Lee: well with great power… [winks]
Some people are legally blind. What happens to the illegally blind?
I’ve reached the point in my life where I’m ready for a life partner. But I’d probably be just as content with a cheeseburger.
Me: Time for school.
5-year-old: But we had three days off.
Me: So?
5: I can’t go back. I forgot everything.
Teachers don’t get paid enough.
Strange
Someone I have known for 15 years, just completely ignored me in the grocery store. This is the best day ever.
Legos cost way too much for smthg I still have to put together myself
I jumped out of bed at 6am trying to catch the ice cream truck because I heard the music in a dream… so now I’m awake and I have no ice cream, this is bullshit
I let my son go to bed last night with his Nintendo Switch and he called me a good dad. This parenting shit is easy!
Remember that time you confused a life lesson for a soulmate.
“You’re more likely to be killed in a car wreck than eaten by a shark.”
The shark made a convincing argument, so I got out of the cage.
this holiday season i simply wish for everyone to have the gift of happiness, like the extremely misplaced happiness of a high schooler who just graduated and thinks the hardest part of life is finally over
If someone offered to give me a million dollars to name the two teams playing sportsball today, I’d make exactly no dollars.
The Hulk just texted me a picture of a zucchini, I think?
DO NOT PRESS RED BUTTON
“It’s about coming of age in an insane asylum built on a space station designed like a haunted castle theme park, while a rival galaxy leader time travels to learn ghost battle techniques, and a rogue viral plagued prison planet is pinballing towards Earth.” ~me pitching a novel
Whoever coined, “No good deed goes unpunished,” must have fed some seagulls.