What REALLY happens when you build Ikea furniture…
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When I learned what calculators did, I immediately cleared the “math” part of my brain to make room for more movie quotes.
2 atoms of helium acting funny ~ HeHe
fyi, drug mule does not mean youll be getting stoned and riding around on a donkey… worst first day ever
“It’s a funeral”, they said. “Wear black”, they said. “Who’s the idiot dressed as Zorro?”, they said
*hears recording of my voice*
Me: Haha! Do I really sound like that?
Judge: Please refrain from commenting on the state’s evidence.
While at Starbucks today I overheard a 20-something telling friends how she “only eats farm-to-table,” and has “never felt better.”
Please let the record state she was drinking a Frappuccino as she shared her secret to good health.
Anyone know where Frappuccinos are farmed?
She like, literally died.
~White girls’ headstones
every grocery store becomes an escape room if you see someone you know
me: listen pal no one talks to me that way
guy with british accent:
Yesterday there was a sign in our building lobby saying that a possum was living in our trash cans. This morning the sign was gone.
Best case scenario: The possum relocated overnight.
Worst case scenario: The possum took down the sign itself
[finds money in jacket]
nice
[finds more money in pants]
Today is my day. On a roll
Boss: will you please take my jacket & pants off?
I really showed that Rubik’s Cube who’s unemployed.
I swear to god if my memory was any worse I could *bonk* WHO THREW THAT BOOMERANG?
Me, to myself: you are your harshest critic and no one else will notice your face is breaking out
3: Mommy! Is that a pimple? Is that a pimple? Wow, you have so many pimples! They’re everywhere!
I couldn’t help but notice how you have pistachios that you’d probably like to share.
He said I’d love to look into that beautiful brain of yours.
I said, ok but it’s just like watching a squirrel running through traffic trying to get to the other side really.
And they say flirting is hard.
I want the confidence of my 3yo while taking a giant drink of straight lime juice after I’ve been yelling at her for 2 mins that she will not like it.
What did Jay-Z call his girlfriend before getting married?
Feyonce.
*drops mic, throws up dynasty sign*
Too tall: “How’s the weather up there?”
Too short: “How’s the weather down there?”
Average height: “I am cursed to rely on others to know what the weather is like”
They can identify a dead body by its dental records. How cool is that? “We don’t know who he is, but we know his dentist!”
I’m a Lit major. I did my thesis on why my car is in the front yard and I’m sleeping with my clothes on.
My toxic trait is my personality or so I’ve been told.
My upstairs neighbours at 6 am:
“AND NOW IT IS TIME FOR THE CEREMONIAL REARRANGING OF THE BOULDERS”
Send prayers. Laura on Facebook didn’t realize she was out of syrup until AFTER the pancakes were made! It’s causing quite a stir…
I have a magnetic* personality
*Clingy and obsessive.
wife: do u want a glass of water?
me: of what?
wife: water
me: a glass of what?
wife: oh my god. *sighs* earth soup
Seems like everybody is wishing to find that special someone in their life, and I’m just over here wishing I could eat without getting fat
So glad our house has 3 bathrooms so all of my kids can argue while brushing their teeth in mine.
As my friend Joe’s last wish I had him cremated and sprinkled his ashes into the coffee pots at work..all morning everyone had a cup of Joe
Interviewer: “Are you comfortable staring at a computer screen eight hours a day?”
Me: *looks up from phone*
“What?”