her: i hate ultimatums
me (thought she said “old tomatoes”): well i love them, so time to decide. it’s them or me.
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Me: So how old were you when you hacked your first person?
Friend: 6th grade
Me: Wow, you were good with computers early on in life.
Friend: Computers?
Ankles by my ears? What is this? Cirque du Soleil??
I drank so much wine last night when i walked across the dance floor to get another glass, i won the dance competition.
Paula Hawkins: What should I call my book about a girl on a train?
Publicist: Let’s call the guy who named the movie ‘Snakes On A Plane’.
My daughter has an ice skating date with her boyfriend tonight. So I’ll be the guy skating behind two 12 year olds carrying a shotgun.
Sharing a streaming account with someone who doesn’t have their own profile is like gaslighting yourself.
“I don’t remember watching this”
SS: Yes you did. See right here? That’s where you stopped watching.
“You sure? I really don’t remember watching this”
I like donuts.
Twitter:
I accidentally put my yoga pants on backwards this morning; and I’m absolutely horrified to say, they’ve never fit better.
Imagine Dragons.
No. Dragoner.
That’s easy for you to say
British people never go down stairs they just jump out of a window and open an umbrella like Mary Poppins
trying not to judge stupid people too harshly anymore because it turns out i’m people and oh man am i stupid.
[talking to bouncer]
Me:let me in
Bouncer: not after last time
Me:would a Washington convince you?
Bouncer: no
George Washington: c’mon man
I really hope it’s a typo on your resume where it says you’re “goat oriented”.
Asking the hard questions like:
Is this my fault?
Could I have prevented it?
How do I dispose of a body?
My “Pi” tattoo is taking longer than I thought
[using tweezers to yank out a splinter]
*extreme rat noises*
Me: I lost twelve followers today.
Wife: On Twitter?
Me: In the woods.
Wife: You’re the Cub Scout leader! It’s your responsibility to find those children!
I was 14, my dad caught me drinking. ‘Dad, that’s the first time’
‘That’s a lie, no one ever gets caught the first time.’
So I robbed a bank
What no one in the congregation expected was a reverse rapture that left everyone naked watching their clothes float away.
Facebook: Please give us access to all of your personal information
Me: Okaaaay, but only if you tell me which Golden Girl I am.
Heath: I’m Heath
Heather: I’m Heather
Me, competitive: I’m Heathest
Like dad use to say, if it ain’t broke, obviously my kid hasn’t touched it yet.
Good times!
If I was meant to exercise, the good alcohol would be kept on the bottom shelf not the top.
My last relationship was so bad, it featured Pitbull.
Oh, you’re a parent? Then how many times have you moved a cup back from the edge of the table this week?
Don’t flatter yourself lady, I wasn’t winking at you. I was winking at that biscuit you’re eating.
My son’s field trip consent form lists walkmans & radios under ‘Optional items.’ Where the hell are they going, 1989??
Want to get rid of your husband without killing him?
Just send him to the grocery store & ask for pine nuts.
Mine has been gone 6 years.
Batman’s Bat Signal was really banking on the fact that crimes only happened at night.