*buys box of donut holes*
I won’t eat anything that casts a shadow
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I bet history classes would be easier if the guy who named the War of 1812 got to name all the other wars.
*yawning at an art museum*
“I already saw that on Tumblr.”
Using “whom” incorrectly at a party I wasn’t invited to
Sir, those are my emotional support chrome tabs
Sorry dinner is so late, honey. I accidentally bought individually wrapped rice again.
They say real men hunt their food, which is why I throw a spear through the box of pasta before letting it bleed out in my shopping cart.
The gross is always greener on the outside
I say as I look at the 4yo who just sneezed
My coworker carries around a rosary in his hand so that if he gets caught sleeping he can say he was praying
“Hello?”
Dad come get me from practice
“Sorry I’m going into a tunnel” *sound of mom giggling*
But I called the *connection drops* …landline
To the twelve people who are always liking my tweets:
Do you want something from the gas station?
Me: Sorry I make bad decisions when overwhelmed
Burnt neighbor who just said hi to me: but why do you have a flamethrower in the first place?
Every time you get a haircut, you’re essentially returning your last haircut and exchanging it for the exact same thing
[ first day of 5th grade ]
Teacher: Carly?
Carlie: Here
Teacher: No the other one
Karrlee: I’m Here
Teacher: Not you
Qar’leigh: Me?
Teacher: *chugs spiked coffee*
Translator: We changed the Bible verses forbidding happy marriage to say gay marriage.
King James: Same thing, what could possibly go wrong?
If I was a waitress, I would plant fake engagement rings in every girls champagne glass, just to watch the boyfriends panic.
I tried flirting with my hairdresser today.
I said, “Do you comb hair often?”
Me: The brake pads breaked.
Mechanic: Broke.
Me: The broke pads breaked.
When I’m done eating… I have to show my hands to my cat like I’m a blackjack dealer
Me: I’ll drink to that!
Person who brought me to church: [whispers] We usually just say “Amen.”
I’m babysitting my 2 yr old nephew today and when I told him he couldn’t eat ice cream for breakfast he told me “you’re not my best friend anymore” so we compromised and now he’s on his second bowl of ice cream and I’ve gained the title “best friend in the whole wide world”
I’ve watched “Aladdin” like 25 times with my kids, so I know quite a bit about politics in the Middle East.
Me: I bumped into your Grandpa earlier
Wife: My grandpa has been buried in the graveyard for 10 years
Me: My driving test went really badly
What’s up with you needing to tell me you’re a ‘native New Yorker’ thru your license plate? Is it like ‘babe, we should move over. There’s a native New Yorker coming up behind us’?
My husband changed his brand of boxers for the first time in 35 years. I feel like I’m having an affair.
Those three magical words:
“Where’s the plunger?”
My Girlfriend has spent the last 2 hours checking out every guy she sees.
I’m considering asking her to stop working in that Hotel Reception.
Hairdresser: [holding up mirror] what do you think?
Me: [horrified] I love it
My daughter thought putting glue on her hands would help her walk up the walls, we’re both a little disappointed that it didn’t work.
damn boy, are you Comic Sans? because I cannot take you seriously