My 8yo daughter met a girl at summer camp last year named “Internet.” I said no way, that can’t be her name but my daughter has been adamant. For almost a year we’ve been having this discussion.
ANTOINETTE. I just found out her name is Antoinette.
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*6 opens piggy bank*
Me: wtf where’d you get all that?
6: mommy said I could take $1 out of your wallet each day bc you’d never know
I was hoping to lose weight when I quit drinking, but it turns out that’s not how pregnancy works.
Hey old couples. Email addresses are free. You can each have your own. Wait… Just gave that more thought. Forget it. Keep sharing.
Me: I’m not really good with plants. They just need too much time and attention.
Her: Don’t you have a child?
My security system is just a bunch of my unpaid bills taped to my front door
Should I buy a pizza? Heads I do, tales I ignore the coin.
BANK: Someone made fraudulent charges with your debit card
ME: Wait… how do you know it wasn’t me
BANK: They entered the PIN correctly on the first try
ME: Dear god
“Single use consumables are destroying the planet,” I yelled at her as I tossed another condom into the washing machine.
I would walk barefoot over hot koalas for you.
[on a rocket which just launched into space]
Me: oh shit did I switch the oven off can we head back real quick.
Trainer: Run a mile on the track at your own pace.
Me: Okay. *starts running*
*halley’s comet goes by*
*trainer dies of old age*
*halley’s comet passes again*
*the sun dies*
*final episode of the simpsons airs*
Me(almost halfway done): Halfway there!
I bet Seal is terrified of shark week.
Directions: Allow food to sit and cool for five minutes before eating.
Me: No.
I am less the girl you take home to meet your mother and more the girl you take to meet your psychiatrist.
Lion: *eating me*
Me: *twirling hair* so, like, what are we?
Gordon Ramsay: Can you explain to me why this kitchen is so ghastly? Do you ever even clean?!
Manager: I have an elite cleaning team working tirelessly in this restaurant.
Cat on Roomba: *rolls by making unbroken eye contact*
M: …ignore that.
Friend: My in-laws have been married for 57 years today.
Me: Gross.
“Nope, not touching that… what else you got?”
-Me, as a therapist
Haven’t even received my $1,200 yet and I’m already worried about gold-diggers.
i’m gonna make some couscous with garlic and olive oil. that’s right. couscous. the food so nice they named it twice
A shark could swim faster than me, but I could probably run faster than a shark. So in a triathlon, it would all come down to who is the better cyclist.
6: Daddy the floor is lava!
Me: Oh yeah? *Pushes wife off chair*
A drum solo but on your face.
My standards in my 20’s- brooding & poetic
30’s tall, nice smile, secure job
40’s – hmm I bet that shouty homeless guy would clean up nice
looking for a 5 bedroom 3 bath house for $30
Imagine there was a moment before Red Riding Hood arrived where the wolf in nightdress and sleeping hat asked himself what the hell he was doing.
there’s music for literally every activity
I jump out of bushes to give surprise breast exams. I save lives.
The police are on the lookout for me. Probably to give me an award.
Dude next to me in Oppenheimer kept sighing and then pretending to cover his eyes for like two seconds every time Florence Pugh showed up naked. He’d cover them, immediately look again, and then sigh like “she’s still naked??” repeat
What if everyone had the same neckline as Troi?
