My sister’s boyfriend is visiting from England and we’re going to the driving range. What are the English rules of golf. Do I have to fight him or what.
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If you can make a woman laugh, you can make her do anything – Marilyn Monroe
If you believe that try showing her your race car bed – Me.
It’s such bullshit when someone tweets something and gets like 50 stars and RTs then I tweet the exact same thing verbatim and get no love.
My kids and I play this fun game where I wake up early to enjoy a coffee alone and they wake up earlier to make sure that I don’t
Farm to table seasonal menus are hilarious. In August there are 17 fresh vegetable dishes described in flowing prose capped with perfectly framed Walt Whitman quotes and in January there are two sides that come down to “Jason’s sister-in-law found a bag of potatoes in the garage”
Fun Fact:
The “eye roll” was created by Eve in the Garden of Eden within 15 min of her first conversation with Adam.
[Italian restaurant]
LADY:
“Let’s start with the shrimp scampi, then the chateaubriand, and maybe, hmm…”TRAMP [checking wallet]:
“We’re gonna have spaghetti and meatballs. Is silverware extra? You know what… no silverware.”
i just found out that tumblr went to town on this venn diagram i made
While we’re all distracted by AI and the fear of a robot uprising, the real enemy is quietly gathering its forces.
Let he who is without sin cast the first stone. Who threw that? Gary, was that you? Don’t act innocent, I know you download music illegally.
How did Hitler tie his shoes?
In knotsies.
(The unfollow button is only a click away)
Me: I don’t know how to hold this baby
Her: Head held high
Me *proudly* I don’t know how to hold this baby
Charcuterie is french for “I touched every single piece of this food, enjoy”.
instead of texting “on my way” I’m just going to start sending these
*crawls out of your television and tries to kill you* I’m not like other girls.
“Oh hey there, didn’t recognize you with your cap on,” I say flirtatiously to my toothpaste.
estão todos miauvindo?
[watching TV]
“Buy her the perfect diamond earrings for the holidays…”
Wife: Those are perf-
Me: *changes channel*
[toddler birthday party]
Stranger: my child is 36 months old. how old is yours?
Wife: mine’s-
Me: hey babe, I hurt my toe in the bouncy house. can you drive to the ER so I can eat my cake?
Wife: -432 months.
I’m not real sure if my neighbors are having sex or playing ping-pong in flip-flops and shouting in Russian
I only like surprises when I am not in a public toilet.
Tombstones should just say how old the person was. I don’t wanna walk around doing grave math.
Me to my daughter who is in the swimming pool: I have some water if you need some.
Daughter: *looks around* I have plenty. Thanks.
I’m always Beware #MakesMeCautious
Pringles, it’s time to widen the can. Your target demographic isn’t thin-wristed.
To my writer friends. Just keep going. I was rejected over 48 times before I got my 49th rejection.
I’m going to buy velcro strips for my sneakers.
I mean, why knot?
#SneakersDay #RubbishJokes
If you suddenly stand up and shout “IT’S A CHRISTMAS MIRACLE” you can walk out of work and not come back and no one will even ask about it.
I left my kids with a list of things for them to do today because apparently I like to be optimistic & disappointed at the same time.