Dog knew jumping the last level was a waste of energy…🐕🐾😅
You Might Also Like
Her: “What an ugly baby”
Him: “My baby is NOT ugly!”
Her: “So, who’s baby is this?”
dracula: [busts into my room] ima suck that blood!
me: oh yeah? [does 10 quick shots of delicious Stoli Vodka] how bout now?
dracula: aw what the fudge dude i gotta drive home
me: [vomits on my duvet] checker mate bro lol
HUSBAND: Do we have any cake toppers?
ME: Yes, it’s called frosting.
My entire life feels like I’m holding a small, sticky child that isn’t mine.
Engelbert Humperdinck actually chose that name, he was not born with it.
I think about this a lot.
ChatGPT’s primary use is to generate plausible excuses to leave dinner at the in-laws’.
My 9YO told me she didn’t think I was allowed to watch an R-rated movie because you have to be “at least 70” to watch that and I’m just like hell yeah she thinks I’m under 70.
I saw an audiologist today, but I think I’ll get a second opinion. Why on earth would I need a heron egg?
Why does Mommy always say no?
Well Son, if Mommy said yes all the time you’d have 20 more siblings.
#Friyay
“One should never name drop”
The Queen told me that
When I get new followers I lean in close and whisper to their avi:
“You’ve chosen wisely, Grasshopper.”
(Toy store)
ME: “Where do you keep the Schwarzenegger dolls?”
Clerk: “Aisle B, back”
Ok so why don’t we just invent a word that DOES rhyme with orange?? Orange has had too much power for too long
When I die I want my funeral to be closed casket but like half way thru someone opens the lid and surprise – it’s a nacho bar inside
My daughter just said it’s cold outside so she’s going to wear “a long sleeve shirt and long sleeve shorts.” Pants. She’s going to wear pants.
Do the republicans shocked that Trump is their nominee also get surprised when they put cake batter in the oven and it becomes a cake?
We need tire spike strips installed for those idiots who can’t follow the big arrows and drive the wrong way down parking lot isles.
They’ll remember what those arrows mean next time.
If you ever get drugged by someone and they steal an organ, just check Craigslist.
That’s probably where I’m selling it at.
If you make it through life without being portrayed in a murder documentary, take the win.
I love the excitement and suspense of hitting a bump on a back road at night. Like, was it a body? Was it not a body? Lol so fun
gonna have me one of them sexy closed-casket funerals, leave somethin to the imagination
Me: Look, I really stuck my neck out for you and-
Vampire: wow
Me: Right off the bat you- No, I’m just saying it bites, I mean it sucks when-
Vampire: WOW
A big bug flew down my throat during my run this morning so [buys treadmill]
I lost my job as a surgeon.
Apparently, I shouldn’t have left unfinished work over the weekend.
Take a look at trending topics and you’ll realize why they have to write “do not eat” on dry silica packets.
Currently trying to estimate how many steps I lost searching the house to find my Fitbit.
Pastor: pray for your enemies.
Me: Dear god, please kill all of my enemies.
Pastor: no! Not like that!
Me: too late. I already said amen.
“Turtle Power” is not an appropriate response when HR asks you how you plan to meet your objectives this year. Apparently.
I wont play GI Joes with my nephew until he learns to play it right. He’s 4 years old, he should know better than to drag Vader into this.