“Wanna go camping?” “No thanks, I have a house.”
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If I was a man my favorite hole would still be the donut hole.
Everybody thinks I’m wearing this barrel as some sort of old timey commentary on poverty and capitalism. But really, some dick sorcerer turned my torso into a barrel of gunpowder so I’m headed over to their house with a box of matches to make them regret it.
Oh my god gurrrll, he said WHAT? Told you men are trash now did I, alright gimme the tea!
M: Yes, I’m here for the complimentary wine tasting.
Priest: Ma’am, this is a church service.
M: Oh, no worries. I can wait.
I scare off men like I’m some kind of evil clown hiding in their closet.
“I’m not a clown!” I shouted as I sniffed his sweater vest.
My wife is mad at me because most of the keys on my key ring don’t open anything. Uh yeah its almost like those keys are just for jingling? But go off
I grew up living paycheck to paycheck , but through hard work and perseverance i now live direct deposit to direct deposit.
You can go straight to hell! Well, unless you’re being chased by an alligator, in which case I recommend zig-zagging your way to hell.
I’d like to apologize to the lady on the bus. I assumed you wanted your hair held back while you ate your banana.
INVENTOR OF THE CLOCK: all done! I just need to set it. what’s the time?
ASSISTANT: what’s the what
Pilot is one of the few jobs where you can get fired for going above and beyond
My wife: hey I’m gonna go get a Brazilian
Me: you can just buy them?
*lowers head
*breaks thru 5 tackles
*hurdles lineman
*runs 100 yards
*hamstrung at goal line
*dragged back to line of scrimmage-my wedding
So many flashing lights and alarms on the new refrigerator. I think it might be a first responder.
I started at the bottom (with a knife) and now I’m here (with another man’s KFC)
🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣
A watch that gives my dentist a little shock every time I floss.
They say to avoid things that excite you when it’s time to sleep, but what’s more exciting than getting to sleep?
I tried to make a smoothie for lunch. Apparently, three frozen pizzas will break a juicer.
I packed 5 oranges in 5 different lunches today and all five oranges came back home. Apparently, I send fruit on field trips.
me: my sister’s getting married, want to be my date?
her: wedding attire?
me: no, judith, she’s marrying a man
When I was a kid I had a Giga Pet, and I shut off the sound at night so it wouldn’t wake me to eat. When I woke up, it was always either dead or hungry and drowning in its own shit.
So I’m just saying whoever thought it a good idea to give me kids was taking a huge leap of faith.
Me, 7yrs ago: NO EATING in my new car. I mean spotless
Me, Now: u hungry car? *mashes donut into CD player*
Using magic to hide the Hogwart’s train was also platform manipulation, where tf Dumbledore’s suspension
i could never be president. im overqualified.
Just saw a piece of jewelry made in 1982 described as “vintage” so I’ll be laying down the rest of the day
Life hack: Asking fellow party guests about their last colonoscopy can be an effective way to avoid future social commitments.
They say it takes 10,000 hours to become an expert at something. Please. You wanna know expertise? I’ve spent over 300,000 hrs being a moron
“Whatever you do in bed, Sealy supports it”. Clearly whoever came up with that ad doesn’t watch CSI.
Local News: GREG JOHNSON, 41, ESCAPES BEING EATEN BY BEAR
Bear News: FOOD NAMED GARG RUNS FROM LUNCHTIME