Shouldn’t the sea be called an isntland?
Sir, I don’t know how you keep getting in here, but again, this is not what a think tank does
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teacher: “there are no stupid questions”
me: “ya ok but why isnt the plural of moose, meese”
Bad credit? No credit? First time buyer? First time baby? No legs? 8 legs? You a spider? Are you a Spider trying to buy a house?
If you want a medical degree, they’re literally hanging on doctor’s walls. Grab one.
I never sit around waiting for anyone except for the pizza delivery guy..him I’ll wait for
If you think you’re having a bad day, the lady who took my order in the drive-thru asked me if my order was to go.
I’m at my most storybook heroine when I water the flowers at work.
I’m an Atheist till the electricity goes out.
LOGIC: Obviously, the end of the week is the “weekend”
CALENDARS:
What if I offe
red you ano
ther idea of what “week
end” means?
cat: i brought you this dead mouse
me: no thanks
cat: then please accept this barf
me: i will not
cat: am i displeasing you?
me: absolutely
cat: [eyes narrow] good
He is just living hist best little life 😊
Officer: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: I don’t even know why I exist.
gonna pet so many people’s dogs while they’re distracted looking at the eclipse
I like a baked potato because the name is the instructions.
i have a friend who hates certain hair styles and he told me he stopped watching john wick halfway through. he couldnt get past the middle part.
Don’t worry, Donald Trump will declare bankruptcy and start a new country.
Ten things only 90s people remember:
1. 1990
2. 1991
3. 1992
4. 1993
5. 1994
6. 1995
7. 1996
8. 1997
9. 1998
10. That sound the modems made
The first step is admitting that the other person is the one with the problem.
8yo Me: *sneaks candy*
14yo Me: *sneaks cigarettes*
18yo Me: *sneaks alcohol*
43yo Me: *sneaks candy*Being an adult is stupid.
Everyone’s gangster until they pull a push door.
About to go for a run, because shoplifting
A TikTok challenge but it’s just people using apostrophe’s correctly.
An alarm clock that texts your boss for you the fifth time you press snooze
Mom bod is what happens when you spend too many years cleaning the kids’ plates.
With your tongue.
I have interests besides avoiding housework. In fact, I have a long list of things I’m interested in avoiding.
Her: YOU’RE A PIECE OF SHIT!
Me: Well… at least I’m not all of the shit
My husband is a mumbler, but that doesn’t stop him from telling me I’m beautiful… I’m pretty sure that’s what he’s saying anyway.
Authentic isn’t automatically good. You could be an authentic douchebag.
My wife and I are taking my son up to a little hotel in Colorado this Christmas. Probably gonna get some writing done. We’re gonna be the only family up there cause I’m looking after the joint.
I saved a ton of money on cool sports cars, vacation getaways and NFL season tickets by having children.
Dating: *lights candle to set the mood*
Married: *lights sage to ward off the evil poop smell*