@radtoria

My 8yo just asked if he could peel off my skin to see my bones when I die and then said “just kidding” in a very unconvincing tone.

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@sixfootcandy

Your dog is hyper if he skips his afternoon walk.? Oh please. You should see my raccoon after a can of Mountain Dew.

@Boleyngirly

My daughter just announced she’s SICK of stupid-ass people. I said “Oh darlin, you’re gonna feel ill for a long time.. they’re everywhere.”

@PleaseBeGneiss

ME: *so high I’m screaming*

WIFE: I told you to just call someone to clean the gutters!

@mymonsterischic

WELCOME TO THE JUNGLE
WE GOT DIRT AND TREES
WE ALSO GOT SOME LIZARDS
BUT MOSTLY DIRT AND TREES

@mutablejoe

review of the year

Jan: no massive cow
Feb: no massive cow
Mar: no massive cow
Apr: no massive cow
May: no massive cow
Jun: no massive cow
Jul: no massive cow
Aug: no massive cow
Sep: no massive cow
Oct: no massive cow
Nov: there was a massive cow
Dec: no massive cow

@lolacoaster

Avengers Endgame and the Battle of Winterfell coming out the same weekend is like when your history teacher and your English teacher both assigned papers due the same day except instead of homework it’s emotional labor

@carbsley

barbie baked bread before becoming bamboozled by bearded beavers

@Heff_Ra

Well well well, if it isn’t the bridge I said I’d burn when I came to it…

@SamGrittner

POLICE OFFICER: “Do you know why I pulled you over?”
ME: “Because you know I love riddles.”