My 8yo just asked if he could peel off my skin to see my bones when I die and then said “just kidding” in a very unconvincing tone.
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Hate to be nosey, people in the hallway, but you’re too effing loud and yes, that mole should be looked at.
If you tell me your kid is 22 months and I buy it a beer, that’s on you. That is your bad.
date: are u a tender lover?
me: more of a dino nugget guy
Thinking about the time my toddler was looking at his pruny fingers after a bath and said ‘mommy they look like your forehead.’
When I see how my boys have loaded the dishwasher I think, “Maybe their father is my cousin.”
BACTERIA 1: [runs toward pizza that has just been dropped on the floor]
BACTERIA 2: [football tackles him to the ground] YOU HAVE TO WAIT FIVE SECONDS SEBASTIAN
The coolest thing about the last Hobbit movie was knowing it was the last Hobbit movie.
‘money doesn’t buy happiness’ okay then give me all of yours
Gandalf: NONE SHALL PASS
Pharmacist: in that case I suggest prune juice, it’s a great natural laxative
Somewhere right now someone is dreaming about you. Except your hair is different.
My one-woman show, “I Will Unstick These Freaking Grocery Carts If It Kills Me” is getting rave reviews from fellow shoppers.
Me: I’m gonna go work on your car
Wife: *remembering the time I thought her car’s air conditioner was called the car brr ator* Please don’t
I just heard an economist say she believes a lot of people have “pent up savings” from the pandemic like she’s never heard of Amazon.
I won’t believe we’ve evolved as humans until no one ever bites the inside of their cheeks again.
therapy: $90/hr
saying “it eez what it eez”: $0
If u see me talking to myself don’t say nun to me I’m having a staff meeting
I’m convinced that thumb wars were created when two guys just about to dance with each other got caught
Print is alive and well!!!
Conversational tip: For every minute that you spend talking about yourself, set aside 10 seconds for the other person to say something; give them time to give you a compliment.
I saved a ton of money on tattoos by just pretending my varicose veins are ancient Chinese proverbs
I am not lying, autocorrect just tried to change “first” to Furstenberg like wtf when I have ever texted Furstenberg?!?
My family went camping & left me home alone, like I’d be missing out.
Oh please, don’t leave me home with electricity & running water.
If you love something, set it free. If it comes back to you, then you love a boomerang.
Since it would take human contact to get Ebola. Everyone on Twitter is safe.
Nothing like 2 big dogs chasing your dog to get in some extra cardio
the DJ an hour ago: hey if someone lost a black sweater we found it ! seems like it belongs to a child
my sister: how funny would it be if that was mom’s
my mom just now: i lost my black sweater i think :/
Shot pool with my 15yo son.
Taught him a valuable lesson.
You can restart a video game 1000 times.
You can only lose your allowance once.
Van Helsing: I’ve come to your village to hunt down the Wolfman
me: yeah, I’m aware…
Van Helsing: *loading a silver bullet* you’re a what?
“lassie i don’t see anyone at the bottom of this well. are you sure-” timmy felt the paws on his back. his eyes widened as he understood…
Adding “Free HBO” to your dating profile isn’t the game changer you’d think it’d be.