My 8yo just reasoned that I should clean up the mess from her craft project because I was the one who suggested she do the craft project.
Laziness level: expert.
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At the donut store this morning I point to a photo on the wall and ask “is this a Mapplethorpe print?” The guy asks me how I can recognize art like that. I tell him “I’m an art nerd.” He says “well I’m a donut nerd so I have no idea.”
[demonstrating my new invention, The Crocbrella] I did not think this through.
My gym shut down but a pizza place opened in its spot so my visits have remained pretty consistent
Wedding planning is organized crime.
Actual air attendant:
“Secure your mask before helping your kids.if you have multiple, pick the one with the highest earning potential 1st”
I helped a little old lady at the market today.. She was too short to grab a box of cereal from the top shelf, so I stood on her shoulders!
If your drug dealer is on time, it’s a cop.
[tries to walk into my How to Use a Revolving Door class and ends up outside again] wtf
I don’t know why a dingo would steal a baby when you can steal cool stuff like rollerblades.
Superhero Origins
Spider-Man: bit by radioactive spider
Iron Man: bit by radioactive iron
Hawkeye: bit by radioactive hawk right in the eye
A 6-year-old told me he likes my costume. I’m not wearing a costume 🙁
Guy from the Prodigy: I’m a firestarter, twisted firestarter
Me: Okay fine
Guy from the Prodigy: You’re the firestarter, twisted firestarter
Me: Aww man don’t drag me into this shit
Excuse me while I go powder the inside of my nose.
Men don’t even appreciate a good bra & panty set. “TAkE tHeSe OfF” did you even look at it 🥺😒
i be like “i’m fine” then shake my leg 200mph
Some of you never rooted for Godzilla and it shows.
“felt cute might delete later lolz”
If you’re offended by anything on my TL, whatever you do, do not look at the rest of the internet.
I’m not here for the attention. I’m just looking for victims for my next batch of ‘meat’ pies.
[at job interview]
It says here that you are very hands on.
Yes, sir, I am.
Can you give me an example of this?
*gently caresses his face*
A friend lectured me about going to see Star Wars alone, because “that’s weird.” As if chastising a grown man in a cloak is some normal shit
I’ve had my heart broken before, but I got back up on that horse and said “C’mon, can’t we give us one more chance? Stomp once for yes.”
Is my boss trying to pronounce “charcuterie” or are they genuinely having a stroke? More at 11
It do be feeling this way.
Caught my cats filing nuisance lawsuits again.
Me: ooooohhhh look at all the colorful new spring clothes!
Also me: *buys another black t-shirt*
BABY: *cries*
ME: Get in line, buddy.PUPPY: *cries*
ME: *panicking* OMG, WHAT GREAT TRAGEDY HAS BEFALLEN YOU, MR. NIBBLES?
Me: She loves me, she loves me not, she loves me, she loves me not, she lov-
Wife: CAN YOU JUST PEEL THE SHRIMP PLEASE
If I had gone to Rydell High, I would have walked right up to Rizzo and asked, “Rizzo? Is that short for Chorizzo?”