My 8yo just said she’s “lactose intelligent,” so hit her up with any pressing dairy questions.
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Me: did you know that abbreviating names can be really confusing?
GF: really?
Me: yeah
George Foreman: that’s interesting
[chick-fil-a]
EMPLOYEE: can i take your order?
ME: yes, thank you for asking
EMPLOYEE: my pleasure
ME: and thank you for saying it was your pleasure
EMPLOYEE: please don’t do this
ME: oh i’m just getting started
In space, no one can hear your spouse chew.
*boss stops meeting*
Mike, is there something you’ld like to share with the whole group?
Me: Nooooo, that’s why I whispered it to Alan.
To whoever has my old phone number: I truly hope you’re enjoying those texts from that guy I met at that thing
bout dat hot dog summer
The next time my middle schooler refuses to acknowledge me in public, I’m giving him a big hug and asking him when his last bowel movement was.
my anaconda don’t want none unless you got all beef patties special sauce lettuce cheese pickles onions on a sesame seed BUN HUN
“Sweet dreams you piece of shit.” I try to snap the prison guard’s neck but just make him look to the left very quickly.
First date – I’ll have an ice water and a lettuce wedge
Tenth date – I’ll have a large pizza, extra cheese. What do you want, honey?
i trust babies a lot because i can throw them pretty far
They were cold and calculating, like an Alaskan mathematician.
35+ crowd getting ready for the Teddy Riley vs Babyface battle
Storming out is far less effective when your innate politeness forced you to hold the door open for the person behind you.
Me: I’ll see you in court, Counselor!
Her: Sir, I just asked if you want your Happy Meal to go.
Me: You can’t handle the truth!
[funeral]
ME: [giving eulogy] so here’s why I’m glad this guy is dead
My kids will insist on wearing the same grungy PJs for 6 days in a row, but they’ll put a t-shirt in the dirty hamper just because it fell off the hanger
My excitement about your Indian food is largely dependent on your pronunciation of “cumin”.
[barbarians at the gate]
Me: I just need to let this song finish…
My husband and I are bonding over how much we hate our marriage therapist, so I think it’s working?
Me: You Miss 100% Of The Shots You Don’t Take
Vaccination clinic nurse: You are already boosted. Please Leave
FYI a woman in Italy told me it’s healthy to eat pasta every day as long as you only eat lasagna on the weekends I am seeking no further nutrition opinions at this time
How to stay sober during #GOPDebate drinking games:
Take a shot every time someone tells the truth.
Be specific when saying “BYOB”:
[bursts into house]
Hey, I brought beers!
*7 pastors wives shut their Bibles disapprovingly*
“You’re a HORRIBLE parent!”
– my daughter because I won’t let her use a chainsaw to make a treehouse.
good morning to everyone except people who leave themselves enough time to eat breakfast
Current situation: laying in bed trying to manifest breakfast
George H.W. Bush, age 90, went skydiving yesterday.
I’m 45 & I strained my hamstring getting out of my car.
[1994]
*rewinds tape with a pencil*[2016]
*gets angry when I accidentally close the music app*