[My 8yo looking for something]
OMG WHERE IS IT IT’S GONE FOREVER WHAT DID YOU DO WITH IT I’LL NEVER FIND IT WHERE COULD IT BE MY LIFE IS RUINED WHYYYYYYY—oh, here it is.
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For a good time go up to strangers and mistake them for unattractive celebrities.
“Mom…dad…the truth is…I just don’t like steampunk.”
*mother weeps into a handkerchief on a telescoping brass gimble-arm*
*father shouts, ‘You’re no son of mine!’ and flies away in his gear-driven veloci-thopter*
Ever notice how pathetically lonely you are when the person in the next bathroom stall completely ignores your knock knock joke?
Any restaurant is a Drive-Thru if your brakes fail.
Me: how are you
Friday: good
Google maps is like, “in 8.4 miles, stay on the road you’re on.”
I don’t want to brag about how cultured I am, but I’ve visited the outside of many historical buildings that charge an entrance fee
[comes out of coma after 12 years]
ME: Holy shit I forgot to set my AIM status to ‘Away’!
DOCTOR: you might want to take a seat
[at work during the pandemic]
BOSS: omg what the hell
ME: I’m wearing the damn mask
BOSS: why down there though
Never in my wildest dreams have I imagined myself entering a bank, wearing a mask, and asking for money.
I just saw a pizza delivery guy get in a terrible accident. I feel so bad. Someone’s just sitting around, wondering where their pizza is.
don’t let your artist friends wander off by themselves. you never know what they’ll agree to
hey teens the only thing jack reacher should be “reach”ing for is a better relationship with jesus christ our lord & savior !!!
#growingpains
Sauron: I made everyone cheese bagel bites
Middle Earth: Yay
Sauron: [makes his own bagel bite, but this time, with all the toppings]
Hangover status: playing duct, duct, tape with the kids.
My boyfriend woke up this morning with a huge smile on his face. I love sharpies
*in court for murder*
I’m appreciate your feedback on not killing people. I’m listening, learning and growing.
dictator is short for richard potato
[Americas Got Talent]
ME: *reads an opinion different than mine online without getting offended*
JUDGE (under his breath): how’d he do that
I put a potato down my pants to impress a girl. Next time I’ll put it down the front.
for christmas I got the cat a plastic yellow gun that shoots soft fluffy balls for her to chase which she loooves. anyway it’s so funny now when she’s being a pain & we need to distract her one of us will say “cat won’t stop trying to eat from my plate. pass me the gun”
I started calling all three of my children by their last name. You’d think that would increase my chances of one of them acknowledging me, but you’d be wrong.
My dad and I went to a restaurant and the waiter pointed at the QR code on the wall and said “thats our menu” and left and my dad looked at it really close and said “Is this some kind of joke”
(after first date)
*Hey, can you recommend any of your friends.
Me: my wife says I catastrophize everything
Therapist: *chuckling* how is she doing?
Me: I don’t know she hasn’t returned my texts for over five minutes I think she’s dead
Wife: *asks question*
Me: *gives answer*
Wife: I’m looking it up on the internet…
Sub-Zero: Stop shooting your harpoon at me.
Scorpion: Well, stop shooting ice balls at me.
Sub-Zero: You first.
Scorpion: Nuh uh. You.
the main reason men’s shirts have those little breast pockets is just in case their gf becomes a worm