If evolution isn’t real, then why are my hands the perfect size and shape for carrying Starbucks cups?
[My 8yo looking for something]
OMG WHERE IS IT IT’S GONE FOREVER WHAT DID YOU DO WITH IT I’LL NEVER FIND IT WHERE COULD IT BE MY LIFE IS RUINED WHYYYYYYY—oh, here it is.
You Might Also Like
To be honest, I’m annoyed that my 5th grade curriculum didn’t include a ‘Defense against the dark arts’ class.
I had a dream I went to Hell and Satan forced me to sing karaoke with him.
That’s right, the Devil made me duet.
Yeah, well, I didn’t exactly want to be late for work today either but it’s not like hot wings can shave themselves out of chest hair.
I live in fear that one day the real “World’s Greatest Dad” is going to show up to reclaim his rightful mug.
Much like Apple products, I also, am only compatible with myself.
THE WEEKND: I can’t feel my face when I’m with you
DENTIST (injecting novocaine): that’s kinda the point dude
I like to take candy from a kid cause sugar is bad for them. Then, I eat it in front of them while saying, “don’t do this”
During love scenes in a Wes Anderson movie, the sound effects guy rubs a baguette against corduroy.
Me: I’m a solid eight
Friend: Wow. Out of ten?
Me: What lol god no