@copymama

[My 8yo looking for something]

OMG WHERE IS IT IT’S GONE FOREVER WHAT DID YOU DO WITH IT I’LL NEVER FIND IT WHERE COULD IT BE MY LIFE IS RUINED WHYYYYYYY—oh, here it is.

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@LoveNLunchmeat

If evolution isn’t real, then why are my hands the perfect size and shape for carrying Starbucks cups?

@Angibangie

To be honest, I’m annoyed that my 5th grade curriculum didn’t include a ‘Defense against the dark arts’ class.

@dmc1138

I had a dream I went to Hell and Satan forced me to sing karaoke with him.
That’s right, the Devil made me duet.

@badbanana

Yeah, well, I didn’t exactly want to be late for work today either but it’s not like hot wings can shave themselves out of chest hair.

@marcmack

I live in fear that one day the real “World’s Greatest Dad” is going to show up to reclaim his rightful mug.

@leftarmisme

Much like Apple products, I also, am only compatible with myself.

@Brampersandon_

THE WEEKND: I can’t feel my face when I’m with you

DENTIST (injecting novocaine): that’s kinda the point dude

@Storminika

I like to take candy from a kid cause sugar is bad for them. Then, I eat it in front of them while saying, “don’t do this”

@SarahThyre

During love scenes in a Wes Anderson movie, the sound effects guy rubs a baguette against corduroy.

@PoodleSnarf

Me: I’m a solid eight

Friend: Wow. Out of ten?

Me: What lol god no