@BoogTweets

My 8yo nephew who has never seen a CD player before just asked if the eject button was for his seat in my car and in this very moment I wish it was

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@dtrainboy

Ever hate someone so much you decide to start eating healthy just so you can watch them die first?

@_ElvishPresley_

Bat 1: Do you ever think God made us blind so that we may see the world for what it truly is?
Bat 2: (startled) who said that

@BadJordon

[ER]
HIPSTER: I fell off my acoustic motorcycle & broke my mustache twirler.
DOC:…
H: I fell off my bike & broke my hand.
D: Rub kale on it.

@Mom_Overboard

Inventing The Octopus-

God: *watching humans freak out over spiders on land* Hey you know what would be HILARIOUS…?

@ShortWhiteNUgly

An 8 yr old boy was screaming at the grocery store because his mom wouldn’t buy him a Mars bar. So I bought one and ate it in front of him.

@Tinkerbell_

If simply wrinkling my nose at your smell is politer than spraying you head to foot with Febreze then so be it.
Not happy but so be it.

@click4amanda

Why do they write PIZZA all over the box???? what else could possibly be in there???

@Megatronic13

{1st day as a correctional therapist}

Me: you need to free yourself from the prison-

Inmate: *excitedly unfolds escape plan*

Me: OF YOUR MIND

Inmate: *sadly folds escape plan*