My 8yo nephew who has never seen a CD player before just asked if the eject button was for his seat in my car and in this very moment I wish it was

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Ever hate someone so much you decide to start eating healthy just so you can watch them die first?


Bat 1: Do you ever think God made us blind so that we may see the world for what it truly is?
Bat 2: (startled) who said that


HIPSTER: I fell off my acoustic motorcycle & broke my mustache twirler.
H: I fell off my bike & broke my hand.
D: Rub kale on it.


Inventing The Octopus-

God: *watching humans freak out over spiders on land* Hey you know what would be HILARIOUS…?


An 8 yr old boy was screaming at the grocery store because his mom wouldn’t buy him a Mars bar. So I bought one and ate it in front of him.


If simply wrinkling my nose at your smell is politer than spraying you head to foot with Febreze then so be it.
Not happy but so be it.


Why do they write PIZZA all over the box???? what else could possibly be in there???


{1st day as a correctional therapist}

Me: you need to free yourself from the prison-

Inmate: *excitedly unfolds escape plan*


Inmate: *sadly folds escape plan*