My 8yo niece: I have 6 boyfriends
ME: ok wow, that’s a-
Niece [interrupts]: I hate all of them
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Judge: Your charge is burning down your neighbors house
Me: Your Honor they hung baskets of plastic flowers on their porch!
J: Not Guilty!
I’m just a girl standing in front of a cat who followed me to the bathroom.
Moms are dying for the day they build a daycare inside a spa inside a Xanax factory inside a vineyard.
Me: WHAT?! HOW?! WHY?!
My cat, after getting into the back of my closet, discovering a fishing pole & spare spool of line & then unraveling & tangling most of the line ALL over my bedroom: You’re so dramatic.
Can’t wait to see my CW’s face Monday morning when she asks me how my weekend was, and I tell her I took a bunch of tramadol and fell asleep in the garden with my chickens.
When someone is trapped in a bear cave, offering to send more bears in is frowned upon. I know this now.
me: *kicks a stone*
mountain: my baby
I just asked my boyfriend does he think I’m loud. His response “Well it’s very easy to hear you…”
???????????????????????
I just found out that my mechanic doesn’t drive.
Prior authorizations be like:
My doctor: You need this medicine.
Dr to pharmacy: She needs this medicine.
Pharmacy to insurance: Her doctor says she needs this medicine.
Insurance: Does she though? Let’s ask her doctor.
16: I hate old people.
Me: That’s where you and I are different.
16: You like old people?!
Me: No, I hate everybody.
I thought it would be good for the environment if I had less grass to waste water on so I put a pool in.
One man’s girlfriend is another man’s Twitter password.
out of the blue my 10 yr old asked me if i was running for president and i said no and then he put his arm around me and said it was time for a woman to be president and it should be me and we hugged and hugged and then he asked for a video game he wanted
[seafood restaurant]
CHEF: where are my shellfish?!
ME: *sneaking Prawn Solo and Luke Sidewalker out the door* quick, the rebel alliance needs you
*Slides down your chimney*
*Straightens all your pictures*
If you don’t have at least 1 hot neighbor then the hot neighbor is you
[dark alley]
Dealer: so what you want
Me: a gram
[dealer opens trenchcoat, revealing multiple grandmothers]
Wife: Hey *waking me up* you got really drunk last night
Me: You can’t prove that
Taco Bell employee: No we can
Lackadaisical: when you have misplaced your daisical.
Delete the phrase “it goes without saying.” Nothing goes without saying people are idiots
interviewer: please, sit down
me: thank you
interviewer: not on my lap
The easiest way to tell the difference between an alligator and a crocodile is to say goodbye and see how it responds.
“Son, you can practice the sex on holes in trees”
“DAD?!”
[next day]
“Where you going with that broom handle?”
“Checkin for squirrels”
Prince: I’m deleting dating apps so I can find love the old fashioned way (by kissing dead girls in the woods while 7 short people watch)
Probably my favorite thing about zoom calls is when people are running late but have literally no excuse, so they’re just like “sorry I’m late I’m just very bad at managing my time and also I don’t want to be here”.
When two people miss a high five two ghosts get smacked in the face
If Edgar Allen Poe didn’t have a cat named Poepurry, then I question him as a writer.
It’s not called “Laura the Explorer” because if a little white girl gets lost in the woods, CNN shows up with the FBI.