My 8yo niece: I have 6 boyfriends
ME: ok wow, that’s a-
Niece [interrupts]: I hate all of them
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I’d be fine with a ghost in the house if every time a message in blood appeared on the wall it was something helpful like YOUR KEYS ARE IN THE FRONT DOOR.
As a parent I have to be prepared for anything. But I was not prepared on my drive to work this morning when a toy in my back seat turned itself on and exclaimed “Let’s read together!”
During the course of some 36 films, did it ever occur to anyone that maybe Godzilla deserves a “good boy” once in a while?
My kid:
With blanket – too hot
Without blanket – too coldUnder my blanket with a leg over my neck – perfect
DJ: WAVE YOUR HANDS IN THE AIR LIKE YOU JUST DON’T CARE
*crowd nervously looks at each other
*meek yet courageous man steps up
M: No.
Thanks to Target’s full length 3 way mirrors, I’m now painfully aware I look like a melting candle from the back.
zookeeper: [putting up sign] do not feed the animals
giraffe: [also putting a sign up somehow] the zoo does not speak on our behalf
Your voice mail was so long, I thought I was listening to a podcast.
[sideline]
QB: So extra point or conversion?
COACH: Hmm…conversion[huddle]
CENTER: Well?
QB: Are you ready to accept Jesus into your life?
wife: sometimes I think you love bacon more than you love me
me: in fairness I never caught the tennis instructor in bed with my bacon
w: I despise you
SHOUT OUT TO ALL THE WEATHER REPORTERS RISKING LIFE & LIMB SO WE CAN ALL KNOW WHAT A 130MPH HURRICANE LOOKS LIKE IN THE DARK!
Tell me and I forget, teach me and I remember… involve me and we got a problem
[spreading rumors]
me: R
O
R
U M
S
My bank messaged me saying ” Stay healthy, stay safe”.
I replied “you too.”
cell phones have two brightness settings: “dim” and “the messiah is back”
It’s almost summer and I’m only three stomach flus and a couple tapeworms away from my beach body!!!
Me: *closes Bible, takes long, hard look at neighbor’s ox*
Willie Wonka: Lickable wallpaper!
Oompa Loompa #24: We’ve done that.
Willie Wonka: But this time they’re laced with antidepressants!
Veruca Salt: The snozzberries taste like… like… *sniff* like I can forgive my mother…
My toxic trait is telling people I’m down for anything when in reality I mean not after 8 pm, food should be involved, and it also depends on the weather, the parking situation, and how tired I am
Hey kids, for Halloween, let’s go to a spooooky place full of scaaaary, oppressive people & a guy who riiiises from the dead!
Kids: Church?
I’m Lactose Intolerant, which means I rarely find missing children.
Being an adult is cool because sometimes your back hurts and other times a different part of your back hurts
If you weren’t supposed to stab people then they wouldn’t have been made so squishy.
Psychiatrist – If you’re stuck in an elevator who would you want to be stuck in there with?
Me – An elevator repairman.
Misery loves company. And from what I can tell, the company she loves is the one where I work.
*checks real estate listings on other planets*
Dropped mother-in-law at airport.
Her flight isn’t until Tuesday, but with security and all, best to play it safe.
“Mushrooms taste like the skeletons of strawberries” and other strange things my 4yo says
We’ve got people working on world peace, and I’m here wondering how I can swipe a piece of my patient’s chocolate without her noticing.
Sometimes my southern accent sneaks out. Like just today I meant to say “You all” and instead I had sex with my cousin.