My 8yo son spent 45 minutes perusing and closely inspecting the 31 flavors to finally decide on “chocolate.”

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Son: Are you eating pie for breakfast?
Me (eating pie): No. Fruit casserole. Want some?
Son: NO. I hate casserole.
Me (whispers): I know…


[being murdered at work]
Me: *being murdered*
Murderer: *murdering me*
Boss: let me know how I can help

(it is unclear who he’s talking to)


I decided to tell the kids that Santa is made up but nighttime home invasions are very very real.


Saw a guy riding a unicycle today. Actually, he was riding a bicycle but I didn’t see him & I hit him with my car. Then boom! Unicycle.


Me: if u kill a murderer the number of murderers in the world doesn’t change

Her: yeah… anyway your total will be $8.49 at the 2nd window


[Mulder softly whispering “I want to” at every exhibit in the Ripley’s Believe It or Not Museum.]


Female dragonflies will fake their own death if faced w/ unwanted attention from a male dragonfly.

You can learn so much from nature


If I ever die in my sleep it won’t be in my bed. It’ll be in a meeting.


You might think I’m flirting, but really those faces are just me trying to get the peanut butter off the roof of my mouth