My 8yo son spent 45 minutes perusing and closely inspecting the 31 flavors to finally decide on “chocolate.”
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I wanted to look sharp!
Wore my smarty pants & thinking cap.
Then, I lost my shirt & knocked my socks off…
Now, I look like an idiom.
If you see me jogging, please kill whatever is chasing me
I got plans this weekend. Release the sundresses!!!!
Me: An icicle is the perfect murder weapon. It just melts!!
He: I asked about the perfect date.
A little boy looked at my tie the other day and told me that he really liked my leash.
I hope to stop crying soon.
How can anyone focus on world peace when we can’t even get everyone to use the same date format?
Let’s play a game. You go hide. And I’ll go take a nap.
Just because you can yin a yang or quid a pro quo, that doesn’t mean you can zag a zig or tit a tat.
My new credit card has this awesome theft protection where it just says “declined” whenever you use it.
To everyone who mocked me for keeping my old maternity pants for so long … who’s laughing now
Me: I think this diet is gonna work.
Cheese: No.
Obama: Didn’t think he’d be late
Biden: I gave him the wrong address
Obama: Joe he’s the president-elect
Biden: idgaf what they call him
Every parent becomes a hostage negotiator when their toddler seizes control of an open bottle of syrup.
I’m not saying my life lacks excitement, but I did linger in the room my 6yo was playing in just to watch Barbie breakup with a horse.
WIFE *walking in* omg I just saw the cutest dog driving home from work
ME: wow *scratches head* I wonder what sort of job he does
I will never forget the time that I helped interview a man for a job opening and when he was asked what he would contribute to the team he said “probably snacks”
By 33, you’d think I’d have figured out at some point along the way where to put my arms when I sleep.
My son washes dishes like he knows there are 12,000 germs but only wants to kill 1.
Geez ONE crystal champagne glass gets broken and I’m not allowed to use them in the cat obstacle course anymore
My teenager just stuck one of her AirPods in my ear and Eminem was playing. She looked me dead in the eye, as if I haven’t blasted this a million times, and had the audacity to ask, “isn’t he good?””
It’s embarrassing when my wife pats me down for concealed chicken nuggets in front of our friends.
Due to a gypsy curse, I gain weight each time I consume more calories than are burned by my basal metabolic rate plus daily activities.
The Internet is good for two things
1) People without clothes
2) Animals with clothes
IM ALMOST POSITIVE THATS JUST A COOKIE
Personal trainer said we’re going to try some dips today.
I brought hot salsa and tangy cheese. He hates me.
Wife: “Tony is coming round”
Me: “Charity collector Tony or Mafia boss Tony?”
Tony: “I’m here for the money.”
*DRAMATIC CLIFFHANGER*
“You know I love that thick bottom” – me, telling my coworker about the new frying pan I got over the weekend
Watching the end credits of a movie so you can take note of the producer & director and never ever watch anything else that they make
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My neighbors listen to really good music… Whether they like it or not.
Dominos sent me an email while I was in the frozen pizza section. Trust issues much? I’ll call you later, relax.