My 8yo wants to make her tween sister’s birthday cake. My tween is mad because she wants to make her own cake. I suggested she have 2 birthday cakes and now everyone is upset.

Apparently the solution to all life’s problems is not more cake.

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*gets sent nude selfie with messy bedroom in the background

Sorry to ruin the mood, but is that a half-eaten corn dog on your floor?


I hugged someone else’s mom at a park once and now mine won’t pick me up bc I smell like other mom now


My daughter has an ice skating date with her boyfriend tonight. So I’ll be the guy skating behind two 12 year olds carrying a shotgun.


Me: What does venison taste like?

Food Connoisseur: It’s similar to beef but more gamey.


Me: *sees a cow playing Fortnite* V…venison?


FBI Agent: You’re accused of attempting to hijack a Mentos truck & drive it into a Diet Coke bottling plant
Me: …
FBI: …I kind of want to see that


The definition of Irony:
Your job sucks
Your kids suck
Your life sucks
Your wife…doesn’t


i woke up haunted by when a girl DMed me on here to say “how do u know my bf”. i said “we’re just mutuals. i don’t really know him”. she responded and said “well i read all of ur DMs to him”. i went to look at my DMs with him and they were us going back and forth ranking seltzer


A customer just told me that it takes a 14 mile run to work off 1 Oreo. Don’t worry she’s dead now


[pizza delivery]

Girl: Is there an other way I can pay you? *bites lip*


*pulls out phone*

see that RT button?