*gets sent nude selfie with messy bedroom in the background
Sorry to ruin the mood, but is that a half-eaten corn dog on your floor?
My 8yo wants to make her tween sister’s birthday cake. My tween is mad because she wants to make her own cake. I suggested she have 2 birthday cakes and now everyone is upset.
Apparently the solution to all life’s problems is not more cake.
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So we got a goldfish…
I hugged someone else’s mom at a park once and now mine won’t pick me up bc I smell like other mom now
My daughter has an ice skating date with her boyfriend tonight. So I’ll be the guy skating behind two 12 year olds carrying a shotgun.
Me: What does venison taste like?
Food Connoisseur: It’s similar to beef but more gamey.
Me: *sees a cow playing Fortnite* V…venison?
FBI Agent: You’re accused of attempting to hijack a Mentos truck & drive it into a Diet Coke bottling plant
FBI: …I kind of want to see that
Me: I KNOW, RIGHT?!
The definition of Irony:
Your job sucks
Your kids suck
Your life sucks
i woke up haunted by when a girl DMed me on here to say “how do u know my bf”. i said “we’re just mutuals. i don’t really know him”. she responded and said “well i read all of ur DMs to him”. i went to look at my DMs with him and they were us going back and forth ranking seltzer
A customer just told me that it takes a 14 mile run to work off 1 Oreo. Don’t worry she’s dead now
Girl: Is there an other way I can pay you? *bites lip*
uh HELL YEAH!
*pulls out phone*
see that RT button?