My 8yo’s looking for a summer job. He’s a pretty decent bartender if anyone’s hiring.
You Might Also Like
TEACHER: please take off your hat in class
*I take off my hat revealing a slightly smaller hat*
ME: I can do this 14 more times
[woken up by barking]
wife: oh god it’s an intruder!
me: sssshhh [listens carefully] no, it’s definitely a dog
Yes, curling is silly and basically janitorial work, but that guy’s gonna have a gold medal, and all you’ll have is your joke about curling.
Science in 140. Carbon. A nonmetallic, tetravalent element which forms the basis of all known life, the result of unprotected carbon dating.
[at haunted house, as the walls bleed and screams echo through the hallways]
oh cool. our cycles are synced.
“So you’re a poet” says the waitress, gliding past. I vainly attempt to slow my reaction but knock over my beer trying to cover the words ‘glistening moose hips’
What’s the opposite of mentos?
Lady fingers.
#RubbishJokes #DadJokes
*horror movie
“The calls are coming from inside the house!”
“Can you find out from where? I want some chips but I’m too lazy to get up.”
There’s always that creepy couple inviting people to come over and sit in their hot tub…by the way, what are you doing tonight?
[ad for milk]
give your Skeleton strength for the war to come
Why are gifts in airports so expensive? God’s punishing you for waiting until the flight home to buy your wife a gift.
Don’t wait for later to eat the cake. Do it now, before another mammal of your household finds it
My 3yo’s bedtime stories include: “Three-Hour Run-On Sentence,” followed by, “Ask For a Drink 500 Times,” and finally, “You Skipped a Page.”
Just saw an amazing deal for Valentine’s Day “You’re My One and Only” cards.. 2 for $5
*tries to impress date by eating spaghetti with a straw*
Today we break bread and give thanks. Tomorrow I will throat-punch you at Wal Mart.
“Mommy never mind I’ll ask you later when you’re not scooping the phone out of the toilet.”
– My current favorite child
I scream, you scream, we all scream for ice cream. This kid working at Baskin Robbins is pretty scared. Now he’s crying in the corner.
Don’t leave me alone.
Alone: I have a boyfriend.
Me thinking: focus on what she’s saying, focus on what she’s saying, focus on what’s she’s saying…
My wife: …so what do you think?
Me: wait… what?
I successfully hid chocolate chip cookies from my children, making today’s parenting score:
Kids: 43,290
Mom: 1
Just found all my fan letters to Wolverine my wife “promised” she mailed stuffed behind the couch. I’m livid.
If I had a dollar for every time someone got me to try a beer by saying it didn’t taste like beer, I’d call it my I͟T͟ D͟O͟E͟S͟ T͟O͟O͟ T͟A͟S͟T͟E͟ L͟I͟K͟E͟ B͟E͟E͟R͟͟ money.
I think sometimes we as humans ask too much of spandex.
I’m a regular guy just like you. I put my pants on one leg at a time while thinking about how far I could throw each kind of bird while it sleeps.
Parent Tip: don’t tell your child “I’m waiting, I can wait all day if I have to” unless you’ve actually cleared your schedule for the day.
cop: *knocks on my car window*
me: sorry is the music too loud
cop: yes
me: *sets down bagpipes*
Just saw a touching BP commercial where BP congratulates BP for doing some of what BP was legally required to do after it wrecked the earth.
My kid was supposed to enter second grade but after months of homeschooling he’ll be going back to kindergarten.
I cleverly paired my housekeeping work with my cardio, and now I can’t get myself to do either.