@mommajessiec

My 9-month-old ate part of her sister’s math worksheet and now we’re waiting to see if she passes algebra.

You Might Also Like

@egg_dog

[death row]
Guard: Any last words?
Me: [smugly] photosynthesis.
Guard: …
Me: it sounded longer in my head.

@lilgapeach30

8 *walks into the house with covered in mud*

Me: MY LORD

8: well that’s a nice way to greet me but no, just your son.

@NotLane

“Make it look like he had a happy little accident”

-Bob Ross, Mob Boss

@CornOnTheGoblin

me: [performing autopsy] so I’ve been practicing my ventriloquism
assistant: now’s not the time
corpse: aw come on

@dorsalstream

DATE: I love spicy food.

ME: [trying to impress] I once ate an entire bonfire.

@byronblurb

Me: My head hasn’t been in the right place lately.
GF: You might want to check up your ass.

@BillWeirCNN

Say one positive thing about your opponent
Well…he does convert oxygen into carbon dioxide which helps trees grow.

@realHamOnWry

Three strangers came to the door and asked if I’d found Jesus. I said no, then offered to join in the manhunt.

@peteholmes

“Honey, have you seen the baby? I haven’t seen the baby since I asked you to throw out the bath wat–OH DEAR GOD!!” – birth of an expression

@Brampersandon_

ME (wakes up from coma): whatve I missed
WIFE: Trump’s running for prez & the Cubs are favs to win the World Series
M: haha ok but srsly tho