My 9-month-old ate part of her sister’s math worksheet and now we’re waiting to see if she passes algebra.
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Told my wife I’d marry her all over again, and we both understood it would only be to get more gifts.
[God creating the stingray]
Ya know Peter, I was getting out of the shower this morning and thought “what if I made my bathmat a murderer?”
“Can we stop for a second? I forgot everyone’s names again.” – me, if I was a character on Game of Thrones
I’m sorry I said your baby has a face for radio.
To the person who honked to get me out of my parking space faster, thank you for inspiring me to delete 3000 emails right here, right now.
If you watch COPS backwards it’s just a bunch of people overcoming miraculous obstacles to win free drugs
Just tried out an AI Headshot generator.
Came out pretty well.
I was reading a book with my 7yo where a teacher was getting married and INVITED ALL HER STUDENTS and then the students started SECRETLY PLANNING THE WEDDING to help out and I was so stressed out like “wtf, how is this gonna pan out, these kids don’t know how to hire a band”
Kinda rude my neighbours live next to me.
nobody:
ppl with clear cases:
[grocery shopping]
ME: oooh my back just cracked
5: mine too. WE’RE A CRACK FAMILY!!
I refuse to wear a mask into the store. “Ma’am, we can’t let you in here,” one of the associates explains. I storm off in a huff. The year is 2005, and I am once again too ugly to buy cream cheese
*in public restroom*
Mom in next stall, to toddler: No, honey. You don’t take your shoes off to go potty. You have to leave your shoes on.
Me, in my stall: *quietly puts my shoes back on*
*throws keys at nearest sober person*
DRIVE ME HOME PEASANT
Uber driver, “You know, if they had Uber back in my day, I wouldn’t have all these DUIs.”
Me, {opens door} “I’ll just get out right here.”
First date questions
1) are you married?
2) is someone married to you?
3) are you married without your knowledge?
4) is there someone that you’re attached to in a married way?
Our family rule is that if the kid’s costume costs more than $50, they have to wear it to school at least four times after Halloween.
Girl, are you an umbrella? Because you’re never with me when I need you & I’ve forgotten you at a restaurant 4 or 5 times.
What I like about humanity is that certain mustaches are more evil than others, and everyone basically agrees on which ones are which.
I make one mistake and my pharmacist now adds “by mouth” on the prescription label.
Obama: Hello Amer-
*feels a tug on his suit coat*
What Joe??
Biden: What color should the lion be?
Yellow.
Biden: I’m using green. *giggles*
Kid: …
Me: …
Kid: …
Me: …
Kid: …
Me: …
Kid: I just wanted to see you.[4:07 am]
Facebook is no good for my mental health. *logs onto Twitter instead
$19.99 because $20 is an outrageous amount of money!
[operating room]
SURGEON: We’ve lost him
NURSE: Exact time of death?
GUY IN THE CORNER INSTALLING CABLE: Sometime between 2pm and 6pm
Me: I missed you
Sharon: Awww, that’s sweet
Me: Don’t duck this time (throws another hammer)
Establish dominance by bringing a Squatty Potty to a business meeting
I mean yeah I’m middle class but not “stop stealing ketchup packets” middle class
Lynyrd Skynyrd
Lyonyl Rychye
The lead singer of Chumbawamba died earlier today. During his autopsy his body got knocked down…and that’s when things got interesting.