My 9-month-old ate part of her sister’s math worksheet and now we’re waiting to see if she passes algebra.

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[death row]
Guard: Any last words?
Me: [smugly] photosynthesis.
Guard: …
Me: it sounded longer in my head.


8 *walks into the house with covered in mud*


8: well that’s a nice way to greet me but no, just your son.


“Make it look like he had a happy little accident”

-Bob Ross, Mob Boss


me: [performing autopsy] so I’ve been practicing my ventriloquism
assistant: now’s not the time
corpse: aw come on


DATE: I love spicy food.

ME: [trying to impress] I once ate an entire bonfire.


Me: My head hasn’t been in the right place lately.
GF: You might want to check up your ass.


Say one positive thing about your opponent
Well…he does convert oxygen into carbon dioxide which helps trees grow.


Three strangers came to the door and asked if I’d found Jesus. I said no, then offered to join in the manhunt.


“Honey, have you seen the baby? I haven’t seen the baby since I asked you to throw out the bath wat–OH DEAR GOD!!” – birth of an expression


ME (wakes up from coma): whatve I missed
WIFE: Trump’s running for prez & the Cubs are favs to win the World Series
M: haha ok but srsly tho