My 9: what language does toast speak?
French toast.
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“Aaaaaaaaand done!”
-me, breaking the last of my new year’s resolutions
Butterflies? I want a man who gives me Mothra
When I see people running to catch the elevator I’m on I yell “HURRY! YOU GOTTA SMELL THIS!”.
Just realized I get most of my upper body strength from shredding cheese.
Doctor: Im sorry but your condition has become quite acute…
Me: I think your pretty acute yourself *winks*
Doctor: …
Me: *dies*
I am so desperate for summer I’m actually looking forward to wasps.
Mechanic: that’s gonna cost $2000
Me: how much?
Mechanic: $3000
Me: what did you say before that
Mechanic: I said “that’s gonna cost”
I always enjoy when pharmaceutical ads play “Walking On Sunshine” while joyfully listing their drug’s 700 horrendous side effects.
As a parent, I spend far too much time identifying what’s stuck to the ceiling.
*Myself at the doctor*
Is this test absolutely necessary?*Taking my dog to the Vet*
Whatever test is necessary, spare no expense.
The fact that no one on House Hunters has ever looked at a bathroom and said “I can picture myself taking a dump in here” is a tragically missed opportunity
Them: Oh, you only need a few pounds of tannerite 👌🏼
optimus prime: did she just wink at me?
me: i think she’s turning left
I feel sorry for all the responsible bulls out there minding their own business and just looking to buy some nice china.
I was never a photogenic person, because when everyone said cheese I said “WHERE ?”
Asked an old couple at work what is the secret to a long marriage
He said “Good reflexes”
She said “Poor aim”
New mindset, who dis?
In case you’re considering having kids, I’ve been awake since sunrise trying to fulfill breakfast requests of: 1. Pancakes 2. Pizza 3. Green
Son: daddy what happens to our poopy when we flush it?
Me: our poopy collects in what’s called a septic tank where it forms with all our other poopies to become one giant poopy monster waiting on our command to rise and destroy all our enemies.
Wife: okay no.
33, Male, Jerusalem. You?
why is it spelled “camouflage” and
not .
When I screwed up at age 9, my mom told me to “think about what you’ve done wrong” and I’ve pretty much never stopped
Attacked by a mop.
ME: There are 18 sheep.
RANCHER: Round ‘em up!
ME: There are 20 sheep.
So when is too soon to ask your friend if you can borrow their baby to reenact The Lion King? One day old? Two?
Whenever someone is about to tell me about their day, I just cover my ears and yell “SPOILER ALERT!”
Tinder isn’t a babysitting app. Apologies to Crystal and Janine for the misunderstanding.
been making coffee at home instead of getting starbucks for two months which according to economists should’ve made me a billionaire by now so what is happening
my body: please, eat something green
me: ugh, fine! *eats mint chip ice cream*
😜😜 Happy Saturday folks ☕️☕️