My 9 year old asked for a fog machine so no one can see her messy floor and now I’m pretty sure I’m raising a damned genius.
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Describe yourself in four bold words and two exclamation points
Me:
Give the gift of sarcasm to a child and receive it back tenfold.
Boy in the pub was telling me his job is a penguin erector so every time a plane flys over Edinburgh zoo the penguins can’t take their eyes off it and end up falling over n he just goes round picking them back up, 38 penguins 2000 flights a day
Trying
We have two 5 month old kittens and they went outside for the first time today. They stepped out, looked around, saw our neighbour then ran back in and hid under the table and I think I may have birthed them
God: Okay… How about thou shalt not
*Moses looks up*
God: …punch… squirrels?
Moses: *sigh* How about “steal”?
God: People steal squirrels?
As an alpha male, I rebuke rollercoasters. I will not be jostled and flown along a silly track according to another man’s engineering. Flipping around some pervert’s dream. And what if I squeal??
Aquarius: This week you’re feeling crafty. How many household items can you turn into a shank?
Got out of the shower this morning and went to put my Fitbit back on, the screen said “looking good.” Was more than a bit unsettling since I was naked. 😳👀
My wife and I are having a fitness competition. She is out running, and I am wondering if the dog will drink Red Bull and wear my tracker.
No, I don’t wish to see “offensive replies”
what is this, a family reunion?!
On the third date, I like to buy the girl a really big meal so she’s already used to not finishing
My friend got bitten by a snake and he fell to the floor and started writhing around. It’s amazing how fast the super powers kick in.
My wife’s celebrity “free pass” is Paul Rudd, and mine is my wife because yah right like I’m gonna walk into *that* propeller blade.
your quarterback name is your grandfather’s first name and the last thing you did mine’s Dom Paintwall. ok you go
I don’t think the lady who just shushed a baby in the library knows how babies work
Board Member: Sir are you sure you wanna name your new burger restaurant after the time you caught your ex-wife cheating on you?
Five Guys CEO: you heard me
First minute of hiccups: teehee listen to me i’m so cute
10th minute of hiccups: I YEARN FOR THE SWEET RELEASE OF DEATH
Please, by all means, call my landline. I’ll reply with a postcard attached to a helium balloon
Hide all your naughty entertainment on VHS. Even if your kids find it, they will not know what to do with it.
[1st day as an animal researcher]
*tagging a bear*
Me: you’re it
Do men in Antarctica wake~up with morning popsicle???
There were no dating apps in the 1950s. You just crashed a pyramid of water skiing girls into a pyramid of water skiing guys and hoped for the best.
I recycle jokes because I care about the environment, Samantha.
7YO changed her favorite princess to Anna and now my four year investment in Elsa is worth diddly-squat
I used the word pizza six times in my marriage vows.
Have girl problem? Feel bad for you son. I live in Russia. Have 99 problems. Bear ate car. Wife ate bear. Son ate wife. I eat son now?
It’s all fun and games until you accidentally stab a space monk
Look Mr. Wendy’s, I ordered a chicken club and you gave me a stupid sandwich. I have a car full of chickens on ecstasy here. Help me out.
me: im depressed
therapist: try a good walk
me: will that work
therapist: yes *subtly gives a ‘thumbs up’ to my dog*