My 9-year-old said I looked tired today and apparently becoming my mother has skipped a generation.
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My teens first time dusting picture frames and decided going foward that hanging them crooked would
” help the dust fall off”
*lowers car suspension to look more gangster*
*takes 12 minutes to ride over a speedbump*
I love that sexy thing you do, what’s it called again? Oh yeah, me.
Just tell me which one is wrong, the password or the username!! Don’t make me have to guess.
did it hurt? when the rat pulled on your hair to make you cook?
Spring is finally here. Time to clean the dog shit in the yard.
[death row sitcom]
Me [sits down in a chair to eat]: This chicken is raw!
Warden [flicks switch]: That’s about to change
Sign: *APPLAUSE*
Anti-gay preacher comes to Iceland. Locals buy all tickets to his event in Reykjavik, and then don’t turn up, leaving empty arena. Class.
My teen said she wants to go to the mall with me so we can spend time together, and then the credit cards in my purse laughed and laughed.
when your food arrives but you have to wait for everyone else at the table
[13th century]
[my messenger pigeon flys in carrying a note]
me: oh hell ya she replied [i open the note and it says “read 7:49 pm”] god damnit
‘THE POWER OF CHRIST COMPELS YOU!’
~me, parenting teens
BOSS: you’re an hour late
GUY WHO’S ABOUT TO INVENT DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME: oh you haven’t heard?
January 27th is Mozart’s birthday. Mozart died at 34 years old.
Had he lived he would be 259 years old on Tuesday
The spouse with the most blanket in the morning is the undercover boss.
“No more self-deprecating tweets,” I whisper fatly.
A little boy looked at my tie the other day and told me that he really liked my leash.
I hope to stop crying soon.
*rips finished page from adult coloring book*
*puts it on daughter’s toy kitchen fridge*
You cause one minor incident at a museum and everyone is “Irreplaceable Egyptian mummy” this and “Could have used regular toilet paper” that
“I shaved for this shit?” – All of us at one point in our lives.
Having allergies is so embarrassing. Could I have some medicine? I’m being bullied by the air.
Maybe everyone can just pee outside from now on so I never have to clean the toilets again, kthanks.
Going into a teenagers room is like going to IKEA…
You only go in for one thing, but you come out with 6 mugs, a cake tin, and a set of cutlery!
I don’t eat bananas anymore cuz I can’t take the chance of someone taking a picture of me eating something healthy
The only reason I’ve been going out with this guy all summer is because I have no idea how to operate my gas grill.
After a long journey Frodo and Sam arrive to return the One Ring to the fires of Mt. Doom
Frodo: Dude dont be mad, but I forgot the receipt
My boss asked me for a brief word. I said “underpants?” and we laughed and laughed and I’m clearing out my desk.
Throwing a spear at your enemy is a bad gamble. If you miss you have no spear now and he’s just fine. He’s better than fine; now he has a spear.
It’s offensive when people unfollow me just because I unfollowed them. My tweets are still good, yours are not.
Today is Star Wars Day, which means we should all reflect on a simpler time in our lives, when Harrison Ford didn’t have an earring.