My 9 year old went to bed annoyed with me because he said there’s a glacier in Venezuela and I laughed, said ok buddy are there polar bears too do they have a white Christmas get some sleep.
Just so you know, the glacier’s name is Humboldt.
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[La Brea Tarpits]
ME: *gesturing for tour members* the stegosaurus was the calzone of dinosaur times
SECURITY: sir, hang on to the life hook or you’ll sink like your Segway
I secretly gave our Waffle House waitress a $100 tip and my family can’t figure out why she’s crying & hugging me & trying to get in our car
me: (reaches for the bill) no no, i got it
my date, grabbing her stuff to leave my apartment: thank u for paying your own electric bill
Science: caffeine can cause sleep issues.
Me who drinks a ton of coffee: if only there was something I could do to improve my sleep.
Kids are fun because they’ll barge in the bathroom when you say “don’t come in, I’m naked” and then get mad at you because you’re naked.
it’s cool when my one dog shits the other one has to go and inspect it like “just as i suspected guys. it’s shit.”
A candy wrapper fell out of my pocket and my kid picked it up and waving it around like a trophy, began an interrogation about where it was from, when I had eaten it, and what it was doing in my pocket. Isn’t it obvious that I stuffed it in there to avoid exactly this situation?!
Pandora has spoiled me. Five seconds into any conversation and I’m looking for the thumbs-down button.
It’s not officially bedtime until you drop your phone on your face.
I am interested in:
⚪️ men
⚪️ women
🔘 making peace with the terror of being alive
“ARE YOU LISTENING TO ME OR NOT?”
“What are my choices again?”
When did we get a dog?
-me, getting into the wrong gray minivan at Target
The feeling of peace when amongst the trees quickly disappears when you notice a coyote nonchalantly walking towards you.
Doubt I’ll ever forget this scene 😂
*walks in on you sitting on the toilet* “Scooch over.”
Could a murderer do THIS?
*lawyer points to defendant doing cool tap dance*
I remind the jury that only guilty feet have got no rhythm.
My 6 year old doesn’t like it when I take her out on her scooter, but to be honest she shouldn’t stand in my way when I ride it
But have you tried crying about it?
-Toddlers
Cop: License and registration, please.
Me: Sure, can you hold my beer?
<– Pops double collar and eats hamburger with a fork and knife
No thanks, Cosmo. I already know 20 ways to drive my man crazy in the bedroom. Any room really. Unintentionally. I’m difficult to be with.
Whenever an overnight guest is using a spare toothbrush at my house I always walk in and ask them if they’ve seen my butthole scrubber.
The only reason to engage with a neighbor is if either of you is on fire.
lawyer: be careful – now that you’ve won the lottery, you’re suddenly going to have a lot of new friends who want-
me: omg i’m gonna have friends?!
GOD: Okay so you’re super smart, this is the alphabet. You can use it—
DOLPHIN: What’s that one?
GOD: That’s an e.
DOLPHIN: I’m just gonna use that one.
GOD: But you—
DOLPHIN: Eeee-eeEEEeee. Like that.
does anyone else pack underwear like they’re going to shit themselves every single day of a trip?
Tonight our 4 year old ate his dinner in a record time of 4 hours 27 minutes
INTERVIEWER: What would you say is your greatest weakness?
ME: Well, for starters, I’m unemployed.
*Opens Google*
What date does Cinco de Mayo fall on this year?
This edible ain’t shit.
*5 minutes later
Is it just me or is it hungry in here?