Pro tip: if you want to get away with one word replies in work emails, just change the signature in your desktop email to ‘Sent from my phone’
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Monday, why can’t you be more like Tuesday and have tacos
My wife handles our kids like a boss. The only problem is she make me do it too 😂
Her: I wish you would surprise me sometimes.
Me: *shedding my human skin to reveal I am actually Nergal, Mesopotamian God of death*
Her: No, not like that.
Trump: “I’m going to make sure we let in less immigrants.”
Pence: “Fewer!”
Trump: “Shhh, don’t call me that yet.”
Gonna teach a bunch of old white guys the word “bae” so teens stop thinking it’s cool and it goes away forever.
“And to my son Ronald, I leave my entire collection of mint-condition, never-been-opened LinkedIn Updates emails.”
Drinking alcohol before pregnancy can cause pregnancy.
[trying to impress fiancée’s entire family]
Waiter: Your bill for-
Oh I got it! [looks at bill & spits wine] WHO ORDERED THE “SUBTOTAL”?!?
My iPod can hold over 3,000 songs, or one voicemail from my mom..
I do not hit my children. However, I do text them in complete sentences with capitalization and punctuation, which is apparently equally aggressive.
It’s a proud parenting moment seeing your kid throw away their own trash. You may also solve the mystery of the missing silverware.
Trying to get home and now I have to complete a side quest
[date doesn’t cry at the beginning of Up]
“I think we should see other people.”
And that’s when I stopped telling the first half of my stories
[boxing match]
ANNOUNCER: …and the challenger weighing 8lbs 7oz, Billy “The Baby” Sanchez
CHAMP: That’s a real baby
TRAINER: You got this
Panda: am I too pudgy?
God: I have a better question.
Panda: ok.
God: what’s black and white and red all over?
Panda: I don’t know.
God: it’s you.
Panda: b-but I’m not red.
God: [leans in] you’re perfect just the way you are.
Panda: [blushing].
I looked up “thesaurus” in my thesaurus and it says “Don’t be a smart-ass”.
There’s really no cooler place to wear sunglasses than in a submarine.
ME: How much for the dehydrated otter?
PET STORE OWNER: That’s a weasel
FBI: I can’t unlock my phone
Genius: is that a fake mustache over your mustache?
FBI into earpiece: Operation Twostache has been compromised
In every successful relationship the MAN always has the last word – “Yes Dear.”
Hey, thanks for having me over… But, It smells like something died in here and I’m pretty sure it was the housekeeper…
Me: What do you say when someone shows you a pic of their ugly baby?
Friend: Just make a comment like “Look at all that hair!”
[looking at pic later on]
Me: Look at all that nose!
Texted daughter “I’m going to take a nap” and autocorrect changed it to “come inside and scream like a banshee.”
if you’re reading my tweets and judging me by my typos I just want you to know, yes, english is my first language
Someone left an honest-to-goodness Yellow Pages phonebook on my front porch today. I immediately notified the Smithsonian. kids, ask your parents what a phonebook is.
ME: I guess you could say I’m your stolemate now lol
MY KIDNAPPER: Get out!
I don’t care if you’re black or white… old or young… rich or poor… male or female… there comes a moment in everyone’s life when you raise your glass and realize… the damn coaster is still stuck to it…
Date: Are you winking or blinking?
Cyclops: I do not know.
The part of the Harry Potter movies that I found most unbelievable was that mostly unsupervised teenagers never had wild keg parties.