My 9th grade boyfriend texted me to let me know there is someone in Denver using my identity on Bumble but couldn’t give me much info because he didn’t swipe right. Trying to process which part of this is more upsetting.
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C’mon, I can’t be the only one that does kegels to pass the time in meetings
my neighbor: can you keep an eye out for our dog? he ran away
me: oh no, when’s the last time you saw him? did he leave a note
neighbor: early this morn- did you ask if he left a note?
Android Oreo announced today; you’ll be able to update your devices by the time the next solar eclipse comes around.
364 days a year: Kids, don’t take candy or rides from strangers.
1 day a year: Go trick or treat in that rich neighborhood. Take an Über.
At the intermission of musicals there should be a very short football game
[picking up a pile of things from one room] cleaning is fun! [throwing it into a room I’m in less] and Easy 🙂
A lot of people look at Russian roulette as a negative game, but statistically it’s actually one of the only games you can’t lose twice
I’m really looking forward to getting a full 8 hours of overthinking in tonight.
[Trapped on a Island]
*Message in a bottle*
“Please send help!”*Gets message back, months later*
“Linda invited you to play Candy Crush”
Thug: You got the stuff?
Me:*opens briefcase revealing 7 ducklings*
T: The deal was 8
M: I’m just the delivery guy *my hat quacks softly*
I cleaned the outside of our stainless steel refrigerator, and now we can never touch it again.
Me: I love these lazy Sundays.
Boss: It’s Tuesday. Get off my couch and out of my office. And for Christ’s sake, put some clothes on!
Things true crime has ruined for me: hiking, jogging, dating, marriage, lighting up a room.
no one will tell you this but the secret to looking hot in photos is looking hot in real life
If you ever get attacked by a bear, throw your shark at it. Also, get a shark.
[parade]
Dad: son, when you grow up, would you be the savior of the broken, the beaten, and the damned? Will you defeat them your demons and all the non-believers?
Me, 6 years old: do I have to answer now or
We have also removed your mother’s number from contacts because obviously you’re too busy to call her.
Don’t get upset if you hit a lot of red lights on your way to work. You’d turn red too if you had to change in the middle of the street.
Well if you’re here … then who’s in Loch Ness?
Annnnd that’s how the fight started.
Elderly relative: If you receive a friend request from me on Facebook, don’t accept it.
Me: No kidding.
He said he absolutely would not hang Christmas lights today when I asked. Anyway, he’s almost done hanging the lights, they look very nice.
Put the spoiled milk back in the fridge and hope it gets better.
– What I think when I hear someone is getting back together with an ex.
Me: *gazes into his eyes*
Him: *sweats*
M *winks*
H: I’m kinda uncomfortable
M: But this is love
H: It’s my job to fill liquor orders, ma’am
How much mint do I have to muddle into this mojito for it to count as a serving of vegetables?
but whales can’t sink a sub
ORCAn they?
My greatest joy in life is when a friend reads a book I recommend.
My greatest frustration in life is when they don’t read it fast enough
Just checked my Fitbit. I’ve taken 212 steps today and that was just from going back and forth to the fridge.
I’m not saying that I’d summon Cthulhu to avoid work this morning, but I’m not ready to say that I wouldn’t either
*alien tries to burst through chest
*years of fried foods have made my stomach walls unbreakableMe: HAHA!
Alien: Laugh it up, now I have to go out the other way
Me:
Hey bro, nowhere on your cologne bottle does it say “marinate in”