My 9yo just made a “protein shake” out of milk, cookies and ice cream.
I’m making him my new nutritionist.
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It’s amazing how fast a baby squirrel can run when you’re chasing it through your living room.
today i’m firing on all cylinders if the number of cylinders I have is zero cylinders in total
Got a passcode lock that takes a picture whenever someone tries the wrong code to look in my phone.
I now have fifty pictures of drunk me.
German be like, __________ is the word for a cat that is chewing on a flower in a pot that was watered last Tuesday.
Just looked in my 8 yr old son’s bedroom and I’m pretty sure it can’t be ruled out that the Malaysian jet may be in there somewhere.
The movie “Failure To Launch” but it’s a North Korean documentary
The beatles purposefully wrote catchy songs to generate interest in their band
Damn, i got hit with the “we need to talk” from my wife. Thank God it was just about divorce. I was scared shitless it was an intervention.
Did you know that there is a little lonely man inside automatic towel dispensers that gives you a towel because he’s happy you waved to him?
I’m not waiting until I’m a ghost to tell people ‘get out of my house’ in a creepy voice
Things Brits say when they’re absolutely livid:
“What do you think you’re doing?”
“What’s going on in here?”
“With all due respect”
“I beg your pardon”
“Can I help you?”
“Now look”
“I’ll write a letter”
“I’ve had just about enough of this”
“Is there anybody else I can speak to?”
Daughter: This is a long movie preview.
Me: You’re a long movie preview. I’ve been raising you 17 years and still no movie.
Me: Alexa, did you hear what Siri just said about you?!
Alexa: Hold my beer!!!
Are there a lot of abbreviations for Maine or is it just ME?
I’m being stalked by my proctologist. He won’t stop colon me.
absolutely crushed dolphin wordle
me: what do you know about atoms?
friend: very little
me: besides that
[couples therapy]
Me: And then he used a metal spatula on my brand new non-stick pan!
Therapist: *gasps* You’re a monster.
Just got fired from my job as a set designer. I left without making a scene.
haha, if i’m supposed to be at work right now then how come me & my friend dale are at the park watching two real estate agents trying to eat a pigeon?
does anyone know how to use nunchucks, I got a pair for xmas and I’ve just been swinging em around real fa
Sometimes my laptop just stops responding and shuts down so at least we have that in common.
Me: My neck is a little stiff
Web MD: You’re in rigor mortis
I’m feeling a little too good about myself today, I guess I’ll call my mother.
I didn’t like you in high school, I don’t like you now. #WhyIDontUseFacebook
Employers are right when they say their workplace is like family. They’ll give you endless trauma and then blame you for being mentally ill.
DoorDash is great if you like having a sandwich and also 13 emails
Whoever taught my five-year-old daughter how to “air quote,” I need to speak with you privately.
I’ve never Met Gala but I heard she’s weird.
*getting escorted out of a Chuck E. Cheese*
Listen buddy,
This beer told me I could dance.