My 9yo just made a “protein shake” out of milk, cookies and ice cream.
I’m making him my new nutritionist.
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Him: Would you like to have lunch sometime?
Me: I like to have lunch every afternoon.
I cleaned the cabinet windows and now you can see how untidy it is inside.
Whales are just primitive elephants that walked into the ocean and then kept walking.
My wife & I couldn’t agree on which psychic to go to. They were all sad and depressing.
“What did you do?”
We finally found a happy medium
[calling front desk]
ME: Hey can y’all wash these sheets for me
CONCIERGE: Uh oh something naughty?
ME: [thinking about how I made myself into a blanket burrito with real beans] yah
my daughter just died of embarrassment when i accidentally appeared for two-tenths of a second in the background of her class zoom meeting. please respect my family’s privacy during this difficult time.
I’m starting to think that this $49.95 “Landmarks of Europe Tour” might be bullshit.
My 10 y/o daughter checked my wife’s Fitbit and she “didn’t move enough last night to be Santa Claus” and I still don’t have a “real beard” so it appears the old man will be back next year.
Don’t know how to delete tweets so please just disregard the one earlier in which I claimed to have “definitely broken the world land speed record” by running very fast down the hill near my house. I have since looked it up and I accept that I underestimated the current record
I’m so glad my kids have a 3-day weekend because that means I get an extra day of listening to them yell at Fortnite.
I accidentally hit my sister over the head with a frying pan when we were kids. To this day, she doesn’t believe it was an accident. Also to this day, I think it was hilarious.
My drunk neighbour just stumbled into a car, fell and then apologized to the car.
-Only in Canada
Imagine getting your card declined at an exorcism and having them put all of your demons back.
*trapped in a sinking car*
I should call 911
*car fills with water*
Ugh I hate phone calls
*head barely above water*
Can I just text them
[whispering to beached whale] Do you come here often?
Husband and I reminiscing about the time I texted him on my way home:
“Can you start cooking those sausages?” Then added < 3 as a cute little heart.He cooked 2 sausages.
Her: We had the baby! She is 7lbs 3oz, born at 9:08am. We’ll be naming her tomorrow.
Me: Tomorrow is a terrible name for a baby, tbh.
[Assembling scratching post to save the new sofa]
My cat: lol no
I was so proud when the AC repair guy came and the AC continued to not function in front of him.
The pricier the food, the faster kids drop it on the floor
I haven’t had a cookie or a piece of Christmas candy in 24 hours. Is this a cleanse?
when i was in costa rica a waiter dropped off a bottle of ketchup unprompted so yes i have experienced racism as a white man
My friends are weird. They keep vegetables in their beer crisper. Freaks
AGENT SCULLY: someone got diarrhea so bad they had to land the plane
AGENT MULDER: [tosses file on her desk] ever hear of the diarrhea alien?
[DATE]
ME: I’m a literature buff
HER: who do you read?
ME: read?
*cut to me bench pressing like 70 copies of The Great Gatsby*
Men be like this is my all in one shampoo-conditioner-body wash-face soap-toothpaste-car wax
My wife told me we had a Lent calendar.
So I asked her when we had to return it.
My family can’t decide what kind of Lab to get (Chocolate, Yellow, Black, etc.) so we drew straws.
I won, so we’re getting a Meth.
family members leaving you things in their will is literally them saying “yeah I’ll give you this… over my dead body”
O: put your seatbelt on, honey
o: i will, mom
O: you ready?
ø: yes