My 9yo wanted to be a doctor but now he wants to be an Australian breakdancer. Thanks, Olympics.
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When one door closes another one opens. I should really get this cabinet fixed.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: You pulled me over?
Cop:
Me: I just stopped here cuz I thought of a tweet.
Boy: do u have any fantasies
Me: ok.. so.. the library of alexandria is under siege& Im a librarian whos good at fighting& I save the books
It was my nieces birthday recently so I asked my sister what present I should get her. She said “you can’t really go wrong with Frozen stuff”.
So I got her a bag of peas.
I apologise for the way I acted when you said the McRib was back and then told me you were kidding.
The room quiets as you pick up a pen. You are left-handed and perhaps the first one they’ve ever seen in the wild.
The Professor Banned Laptops In Class. Too Bad College Kids Are Petty!😂😭😭
My kids have pulled out the NERF guns. What could possibly go wrong?
Babe what’s wrong, you don’t like pumpkin spice wartime election eclipse hurricane season?
Wife: why are there 8 knives on the ground?
Me: *points to the dead spider* it was self defence and that’s exactly what you’ll tell the cops when they get here
Hot shingles in your area are looking to give your dermatomes a painfully good time!
The quarantine has changed me. I am now a make the bed every day with all 15 pillows kind of person because I have the time and some sort of primal instinct to cozy my nest and I’m thinking maybe my ancestors were actually velociraptors because, also, I bite now.
Me *rings 911* help me I’m dying!
Oompa Loompa: oh I have a fun song I can sing
One of my favorite things about kids is that you only have to feed them once a week
Today me is so mad at yesterday me for making plans tonight as if I forgot I was going to be an entire day older
ME: What if I have a robotic arm?
PRIEST: God will make you whole again in Heaven.
ME: But what if I really love my robotic arm?
PRIEST: God will grant you happiness.
ME: Can God give me two robotic arms?
PRIEST: Please, I beg you, others are waiting to use the confessional.
In the spirit of ‘Cancel Culture’ so to speak, can we just go ahead and cancel the middle school dioramas????
Im out of cotton balls. 😒
*dusts off treadmill*
Alright, that’s enough cardio for one day.
Last night I couldn’t sleep at all, just lying wide awake
“Oh, insomnia?”
No, in bed you idiot. Where the hell is Somnia?
When someone says they were shook, I presume they meant as a baby.
My kids brought me a mint to try. I commented that it tasted like toothpaste and they said it was hard toothpaste they scraped out of the sink and rolled into mint balls and they want me to be an investor. They call them Breath Balls and DOES ANYBODY WANT TO ADOPT SOME KIDS
One of my favorite parts of grocery shopping is when somebody else does it for me.
Lower back pain is 0/10 stars, do not recommend.
Let me know when Duolingo makes a course in toddler
i always get a lock of hair on the 1st date in case she dumps me i can still scrapbook about it
When bagging my groceries make sure to keep the radioactive bananas away from the mercury laden tuna.
That’s too much death in one bag.
“Son, would you like to go to college some day, or would you like to keep ordering guac? Your choice.”
I wanted to look sharp!
Wore my smarty pants & thinking cap.
Then, I lost my shirt & knocked my socks off…
Now, I look like an idiom.
Me: I was only protecting the kids from learning too early that their parents are fallible
Her: *packing away Monopoly* That’s still no excuse for stealing from the bank
I really hope my house is haunted and not in need of structural repairs