@MommaUnfiltered

*My 9YO wants you to RT*
Broccoli and carrot are driving down the street and get a flat tire.
Broccoli: We’ll have to use asparagus.

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@sammyrhodes

Before you send that mass “Merry Christmas!” text don’t.

@NintenDom

I named my WiFi after my last girlfriend because it’s never fully connected with me. And also because I caught my neighbour using it.

@FrakkingAwesome

The trick to free lunches is to tell your friend “you get this one, I’ll get the next 1” and then never see them again and make new friends.

@psybermonkey

In line at Target when the woman behind be says to her kid “If you don’t stop fussing I’m gonna make you spend christmas with this man” and then points at me causing him to cry harder

@Cpin42

My wife’s parrot is in love with some guy named Jeff lol

@AndreTheViking

I built an electric fence around my house. My neighbour is dead against it.

@Fred_Delicious

“Ok folks who ordered the macaroni & bees?”
“you mean cheese?”
[waiter struggling to keep bowl covered]
“that does make more sense actually”

@degg

i failed a piss test at work you guys. Yeah, I made a poop instead! Hahahaha

@Mom_Overboard

Can we stop screwing around and make Pringles cans big enough to fit an entire hand? We have the technology