My ability to do the worm originated from tripping, landing on my face and being too lazy to get up to walk to bed

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Sometimes you just got to listen to your heart, and my heart is like “listen to your stomach”.


For your anniversary, if your wife asks for something shiny that goes from 0 to 150 in 3 seconds…don’t get her a bathroom scale. Nope.


Sick and tired of cooking videos assuming I have 40 perfect little bowls to put ingredients in. Grow up


*puts eight small cups of urine on the nurse’s station*

Nurse: We only need one.

*puts seven small cups of urine in my purse*


Top 3 situations that require witnesses:

1) Crimes
2) Accidents
3) Marriages

Need I say more?


I yelled at my wife “Your miniskirt is way too short!!”

“Thats because its made for a woman” she replied “Now take it off & give it to me”


If I can hear you chew, I have fantasized about your death.


“Found” a nest of ground bees
and got stung multiple times.

But I was able to remove all the stingers.

So yes, my pullout game is strong.