My ability to do the worm originated from tripping, landing on my face and being too lazy to get up to walk to bed
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[Jesus at Last Supper]
[holds up bread] This is my body
[holds up wine] This is my blood
[holds up Instagram pic]
This was my breakfast
Incorporate the word ‘verily’ into casual conversations so they don’t know what century you’re from
Sometimes I put my workout gear on and watch tv because it’s the thought that counts.
Never marry a girl whose mother’s name is Hope…. because ‘Hope’ never dies.
My parents waited way too long to tell me about Santa and the Easter Bunny. I was so mad I got in my car & drove away.
*Spends the first 7 minutes of my job interview carefully tearing off the perforated edge of my spiral notebook resume*
I have to go stand in line at Gamestop now because I had a careless night of unprotected sex 13 years ago and Halo 5 is out today.
[Me narrating a documentary on guerrilla warfare]
And here’s more footage of people, but I’m sure apes will be in this film any minute now..
I sniffed my work shirt to see if it was too dirty. Unfortunately I work at a chloroform factory and woke up 6 hours late for my shift
Jesus take the wheel. No that’s a book. A penny. A rock. DAMMIT JESUS DIDN’T YOU TAKE THAT ENGLISH AS A SECOND LANGUAGE CLASS I RECOMMENDED
9YO: What will we be watching for the the family movie night
Me: Hang on, give me a…
7YO *sighs*: … We’ll be watching daddy play 24 trailers and then fall asleep
I just got the lawnmower out and just like magic my sons disappeared
Why did the skeleton go to the barbecue?
To get another rib.
Kid: Daddy will you sing that song about the cars
Me: Sure buddy: “One of them dames was sexy as hell, I said “oh I like your size.” She said “my car’s broke down and you seem real nice, Would ya let me ride?”
Wife: I think he means wheels on the bus…
My sex moves can best be described as trapped with an angry cat on a punctured water bed
Meth is short for Elizameth.
wife: I wish you’d stop bringing your work home with you
Dr Frankenstein: he has a name
wife: DOES HE
Me: Do you want to sign up for dance in the fall?
7: Yeah!!
Me: Which classes do you like best?
7: I don’t really like any of them. I just like dance because you get free costumes at the end.
Me:
7:
Me:
7:
Me: *blinks* I’m sorry, did you say free?
Blackberry users thought of making a joke abt the Apple-Samsung battle, but before they cud tweet thr phone hanged n battery drained out
I love how we have a big tv so my 3 kids can crowd around the tiny iPad and argue over not being able to see.
*bounce*
*dabs*
*bounce*
*dabs*
*bounce*
*dabs*
*bounce*
*dabs*
*bounce*
*dabs*~ me, at trampoline place embarrassing my kids
Paw Patrol, but it’s just my wife chasing the cat with a squirt bottle every time he attacks the other cats.
Her: Your life just doesn’t seem to have a direction.
Me: “Down” is a direction, Brenda.
Imagine getting your card declined at an exorcism and having them put all of your demons back.
Don’t date men who will hold open a door for you. Date men who will punch a squirrel in the face for chittering it’s teeth at you.
Normalise saying “better you than me” to people who keep complaining about everything.
Bought the ‘Sounds of the Rainforest’ cd, not as relaxing as I hoped. The 1st half was birds chirping, rest was chainsaws and bulldozers
Establish dominance in the mom group by looking the other moms in the eye as you jump on a trampoline without going to the bathroom first.
For those that worship cheese..
DM:You’re so hot, wanna Skype?
Me: it is quite hot, and a skype sounds delicious. Is that vodka?
DM:
ME:hello…you there