Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

@iGreenMonk

Sometimes you just got to listen to your heart, and my heart is like “listen to your stomach”.

@SureYouDo1

For your anniversary, if your wife asks for something shiny that goes from 0 to 150 in 3 seconds…don’t get her a bathroom scale. Nope.

@KevinFarzad

Sick and tired of cooking videos assuming I have 40 perfect little bowls to put ingredients in. Grow up

@eff_yeah_steph

*puts eight small cups of urine on the nurse’s station*

Nurse: We only need one.

*puts seven small cups of urine in my purse*

@SamuelHLowe

Top 3 situations that require witnesses:

1) Crimes
2) Accidents
3) Marriages

Need I say more?

@NotBachibawlz

I yelled at my wife “Your miniskirt is way too short!!”

“Thats because its made for a woman” she replied “Now take it off & give it to me”

@aveuaskew

If I can hear you chew, I have fantasized about your death.

@adorableinNE

If you call me Dear, I automatically grandpa zone you.

@SteveKoehler22

“Found” a nest of ground bees
and got stung multiple times.

But I was able to remove all the stingers.

So yes, my pullout game is strong.

@Grommit56

Oh predictive text, how you tournament me.