[my acceptance speech at the Badger Recogniser of the year award]
Me: just wanna thank-oh, theres one now
Narrator: that’s why he’s the best
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all these baby pumpkins drained of their spice and discarded behind a Starbucks
If I had to vote in the American election based on my gut, I’d choose pizza for president every time.
Remember when the internet didn’t exist and we kept all this stupidness in our heads?
Good times.
Red meat isn’t bad for you. Fuzzy, green meat is what you want to avoid.
Arnold Schwarzenegger’s Terminator is a drapery salesman in the new movie.
His new catchphrase?
“I’ll be back….with some swatches I think you’re just going to LOVE.”
Saw my Elf on the Shelf walking out of the D.A.’s office and now I have to lawyer up.
My morning commute was hectic today. I tripped over a dog toy and almost spilled my coffee. I made it to the couch safely though.
[first date]
her: Tell me a little bit about yourself
me: okay so you know when beetles open up their wings and they have those other, even creepier wings underneath?
her: umm
[rolls a boiled egg down the bar to a hot girl]
me – “that was an accident can I have my egg back please”
Skywritten letters:
SUSAN I DON’T HAVE A LOT OF MONEY FOR THIS WRITING BUT THIS IS HOW I WANTED TO PROPOSE; WILL YOU MAR
No, Autocorrect ….
the lovely bride was not wearing
a SATAN trimmed lace ensemble –though she can be devilish at times.
@funTweeters thanks so much!! 😘
when I was a teenager learning to drive, I was very concerned about what would happen if I had to sneeze while driving. someone would tell me what to do, and I would be like, “ok. and if I sneeze?”
Find everything OK, sir?
Everything except happiness!
You won’t find that at Wal-Mart!
We laughed & laughed until my credit card declined
Going to start a band called The Subtweets. All songs will contain cryptic lyrics that incite paranoia in the crowd.
WORST THINGS THAT CAN HAPPEN WHILE SKYDIVING
4. Parachute fails
3. Eagle pecks your eyes out
2. You see your house from the sky & notice your parents making love in the garden
1. You’re blown off course & land at a friend’s wedding you said you couldn’t attend because you’re ill
“Mr. Trump how will you beat Hillary Clinton?”
TRUMP: I’ll win NY, Florida, Ohio, we’re going to add states, Gerzona, Timbaland, Waterworld
Meeeee too!
My brain: “safe place” or “safe spot”
My mouth: safe splot
Darth Vader: I killed three whole planets.
Thanos: I killed half the universe.
Voldemort: I uhh…almost killed this one kid like 7 times.
Everyone:
Voldemort: *shakes head sadly* stupid mother’s love.
Someone gave my boyfriend a book about men getting the upper hand in relationships and I told him to let me read it since he knows how much I love fiction
All I wanna do is
*BANG BANG BANG*
And *cash register noise*
And eat some hummus
It’s important to set goals. You don’t have to accomplish them or anything like that. Just set them.
No thanks, I’m not hungry right now. I’ll just wait until after you put it away and sit down. Then I’ll have some.
-kids
[trying to stick a dollar in a vending machine]
vending machine: i have a boyfriend
Deep in the black void where my heart once beat, there lies a small, glowing ember– oh wait no that’s a Cheeto.
No honey, there isn’t a neighbor working with a nail gun this early. That was just my knees creaking when I got out of bed.
If you hear someone yelling “we have macaroni and cheese and bread at the house,” don’t worry that’s just my dad because I just paid $10.16 for a grilled macaroni and cheese sandwich at Panera Bread.
He wasn’t with me, but I’m sure he feels a disturbance in the force.
Does anyone ever put a chip with too much dip on it into their mouth, then shove a second chip in there to even out the chip to dip ratio?
Me, dressed Covid casual at work.
Boss: “Are you wearing a pillow case?”