my accountant: look at ur currently monthly budget:
· RENT: $800
· GAS: $200
· CHEEZ-ITS: $2,750me: ur right, i need a cheaper place.
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Daughter: Dad, can I have some Kit Kat for my snack tonight?
Me: Absolutely not
D: Why?
M: Because I said so
D: Because you ate them?
M: Yes
[From Basement]: *scary murdery noise*
Me: oh shit
Me: *makes slightly more scary more murdery noise*
[From Basement]: Oh shit
I called a chai latte a “chatte,” and my husband laughed and said that was “actually funny,” and it’s nice to have him finally recognize my genius.
I feel most productive at work when I repeatedly click back and forth on the 18 tabs I have open and just know that the work is still there
I don’t share cheese on the first date.
How long are you supposed to rest in between sets at the gym?
Please say like 5 months?
Idea: a neck tattoo that depicts a man having an unsuccessful job interview because of his neck tattoo
I guess the creator of Pop Rocks was like:
Sugar isn’t enough, they need to detonate
(Item doesn’t scan)
Me: Does that mean it’s free?
Cashier: You’re literally the 100th person to use that line today.
Me: Does being the 100th person to use that line today mean I get it for free?
5: Lucas said he would give me $100 if I go to his birthday party. But I would go for free. But I didn’t tell him that.
Me: I have nothing left to teach you, my child
Everyone talks about how good car sex is while I’m still over here trying to have sex with a person first
I always try to hold the door open for women I see walk by, so we can talk and get to know each other. But none of them will get in my car.
Apparently it was wrong of me to tell the aunt who said that I’ve gotten ‘big’ since 2019 that she’s also gotten ‘bigger’ since I saw her in 2019.
Bought coffee flavoured ice cream hoping the kids would hate it and I could have it all but NOPE! Joke’s on me!
Curse you,
gloriously divine Häagen-Dazs in literally any flavour.
Tubi just be putting anything on here… I just saw me walking by. 🤦🏽♀️
A woman started choking in the line at Starbucks- it was so scary but thankfully someone opened another register.
Me: must sleep in the correct position on a mattress with the exact right hardness or suffer for 48 hours
cats:
[pharmacy]
“Can I help you?”
Yeah, could you recommend anything over the counter for this?
*lifts shirt to reveal 7 fresh gunshot wounds*
[walks into interview wearing light up Sketchers]
WALMART INTERVIEWER: whoa I didn’t know corporate was coming
I fail to see how his relationship status is of any relevance
thug: empty your pockets
me: (bursts into tears) women’s clothing doesn’t have pockets!
thug: I’m sorry for upsetting you. Here’s $30
me (sniffing): and where exactly am I supposed to put that?
If a gifted child is put up for adoption, is he a regifted child?
I pretend my bruises are sex bruises instead of I tripped over my cat while trying a new dance move bruises.
*a tear runs down my cheek*
someone ripped my self portrait
*a tear runs down my cheek*
I’m so pro-life,
I believe life begins at erection.
Nothing says warm summer days like choosing between drinking a bottle of ice-cold kombucha or ranch
All the pictures of me at age 20 are blurry because that’s when I was a human cannonball in the circus
Two heads aren’t better than one if you’re both stupid.
My son works part time at McDonald’s and did a shift today. I asked him, as it’s Easter, if they were serving Hoppy Meals and he told me that he hopes he’s adopted.