My acting career began at a very early age, when my mom asked who broke the vase in the hallway.
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I don’t remember daylight savings having this much of an effect on me. Last night I went to bed at 9:30 and this morning I woke up standing in my neighbour’s backyard dressed as a scarecrow.
How dare you with another bird…😏😂🦜
It’s actually rude to shoot anyone, messenger or not.
If I ever go missing, just follow my kids. They can find me no matter where I try to hide!
I’m cat sitting for my daughter, and she sent me three pages of instructions, along with a video tutorial. Anyways, what’s a cat? She never specified that part.
[interview]
“What’s your greatest weakness?”Superman: Seriously?
Hi Barbara? Yeah I just saw the posters you put up and no, I have not seen your cat but I’d love to. Is now a good time to come take a look?
Such bullshit that people stop saying “You ate it all! Good job!” once you reach a certain age
Hubby got all smug when our son asked him for girl advice so I confirmed that if he wants to bag a girl like me then daddy’s the man for the job and shut that shit down
I’m Irish which is kinda like being Sith, if I’m mad you can feel my hatred from anywhere in the galaxy
If you don’t have at least 1 white friend named “Matt”, then you are Matt.
[Leaving office]
BOSS: I’m gonna work on my car this weekendME: Wow *shakes head* you really should consider getting a desk
If any of you die you should use your ghost powers to mess with me. Move my laundry from the dryer into the basket, throw out the old food in my fridge, let my dogs out in the morning. You know, real scary stuff. Get me real good.
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘arrogance’
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
Of course I can, don’t be stupid
Note to self: Never choose a company name that ends in a verb.
It’s hard to make the bed when someone’s in it. Especially if it’s me.
My teen changed my name in her phone to “spam risk” and she thought it was hilarious right up until she got kicked off the family plan.
Matthew McConaughey in Dazed & Confused: He gets older, the girls stay the same age
Matthew McConaughey in Interstellar: he stays the same age, his girl gets older
The range on this guy!
5: What’s for dinner? Probably something gross like last time. So, what’s for gross dinner?
Me: I’m having pasta but I no longer know what you’ll be eating
Why do we “shush” our dogs when they bark at the postman when 98% of our mail is bills?
Dogs get it.
Next time, join in.
Comedy booker: how much time can you do?
Me: I have an hour
Comedy booker: there might be children there
Me: I have 7 seconds
Child: Can I have some help with my homework?
Me: Sure. Let’s see. [reading] If you have six apples and give one-[10 minutes later]
Me: FIVE. FFS THE ANSWER IS FIVE
*donates body to science*
Science: “I have a boyfriend”
Them: You need to eat more fresh vegetables!
Me: *going for more freshly baked potatoes* I’m on it!
So you’re telling me that the Portuguese women’s football team aren’t known as Portugals?
Them: Question everything.
Me: Why?
How funny would it be if NASA discovered a sign on Mars that read, “Congratulations humans, level 1 completed!”
STORY TIME
my skin is a few shades darker than my siblings on either side, so I stood out.
one time when I was about 5, a woman looked at all of us and asked
“are you tan from the sun!?”
and i said
“no i’m nate from earth”
2019: Keep the change
(because I’m generous)2020: Keep the change
(because I’m not touching that)
tennis balls are the only sports equipment we trust to the public. if you see a guy walking down the street with a football helmet or a 7 iron that’s suspicious as hell