“My advice? Don’t have children. They’re horrible soul-sucking fun-killing disappointing money pits with ZERO upside. Got it?”
“OK, Daddy.”
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Apparently I’m a bad mother for having a lip piercing. Actually sir, that is a zit. Thank you for pointing it out.
I paid a mime good money for a box and now I can’t find it.
So, I bought the Cucumber Mint lip balm from Burt’s Bees. I kinda love it and hate it too. What? Oh, yeah I want to report a murder.
Having a toddler is a great way to find out how much milk your tennis shoe will hold
My wife is in the kitchen and she will not bring me a beer here in the living room. That’s it…gonna text her and say “I cannot believe how lazy you are.
“who hurt you” myself bro, I make horrible decisions
*me as a police sketch artist
*turns Etch-o-Sketch aroundAre these the stairs that guy dragged you down?
Sorry folks, Twitter’s broken. Moose out front should have told you.
My wife and I are walking through Central Park and pointing out all of the places that we remember seeing dead bodies on Law & Order.
Parenting is much harder nowadays. For example, you have to be able to push a kid on a swing and tweet at the same time.
Me: Hey, look, I can’t stay long, I’ve got a cab downstairs.
Her: You took a cab?
Me: I’m gonna give it back!
[in the woods]
ME: [picking up a thimble] what’s that doing out here
A TINY MOUSE: [hiding in a log] this man has stolen my hat
I’ve eaten so many cheeseburgers, my hula hoop is just a fancy waist bracelet.
Corn mazes are great because how often does one get to experience the feeling of being trapped by corn
I think my brother and I just solved The Duh Vinci Code
Lady in packed doc office waiting room: This whole county has flu or pneumonia. It’s crazy. My office has 30 people, 14 are out with the flu
Me: *quietly moves to opposite side of waiting room*
Wanna quit smoking? Wear boxing gloves. Can’t light them and you can beat people.
When algebra teachers retire, how do they deal with the aftermath?
This kid is going places
What Geico said: We just saved you 15% on your car insurance.
What I heard: You should go shopping.
*rap battles you for the last chicken nugget*
Poor character written by an author who has experienced poverty: My problem is that I’m $300 short on the rent and now my car is making a noise
Poor character written by a rich author: My problem is that I feel so inferior beside these beautiful, sophisticated rich people
Cobra & Mongoose. He’s a cobra… she’s a mongoose. They say opposites attract but can two unlikely partners find love? No. Oh jeeezus, don’t look.
I’ve discovered my home doesn’t have a basement.
It was just the estate agent doing that walking down the stairs thing behind the couch
It’s perfectly acceptable to hate someone who brags about how much sleep they get
Wife: *on phone* our son is on the ceiling, I think he’s possessed
Me: by Spider-Man?
Wife: his head just spun around
Me: *eyes narrow* Owl-Man
Sat behind two cars at a four-way stop for 5 minutes before I realized I had accidentally joined a goddamn school pick up line.
Quit doubting my abilities, I can drive with one hand and crash the car with the other…
Santa- “ho ho ho, Mer-“
Me- “tf did you just call me?”