“My advice? Don’t have children. They’re horrible soul-sucking fun-killing disappointing money pits with ZERO upside. Got it?”
“OK, Daddy.”
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writer: it’s based on a book
movie producer: ok
writer: about a boy who lived
producer: *yawns* boring. all boys live. can u leave
writer: *starts walking* ok but there’s a grumpy wizard hat
producer: wait
I barely flinch for gunshots or fireworks but I jump a foot in the air in frozen terror if your land-line phone goes off.
18 hasn’t had a haircut since the start of the pandemic, yesterday he let 20 cut his hair so he could donate it, today the post office lady asked what I was sending and I said a ponytail and not another word, anyway, I’m expecting to be on a list by end of day.
A good way to know if your girlfriend is a lizard is if she eats a bunch of crickets or small birds
This going into the office stuff blows. Like, I seriously have to wear clothes now.
I would describe my conference call personality as “also there”
i speak three languages: english, bad french and the body language of an emotionally compromised and haunted male detective
I think they could have phrased this better
Watching the new Aladdin with my kids and niece and nephew.
15 year old niece: I totally had no idea Will Smith could sing before this movie.
Me: Yeah, he’s been gettin’ jiggy wit it for decades!
15: Uhhh…what?
Me: Never mind.
[crime scene]
*detective snaps pics of murder victim*
Corpse: delete it
I fit into my fat clothes again thank god I didn’t throw them away
God: thou shall not covet thy neighbor’s wife
Joseph:
God: starrrrrting now
I never believed in reincarnation before but… Dad?
[butterfly residence]
WIFE: You said you’d change, Carl
HUSBAND: But I have
WIFE: Not really
HUSBAND: Uh…I used to be a fricken caterpillar
I eat children for a living
You what?
I said I feed children
Oh haha thought you sa-
TO MY MOUTH
God: You really should return to Earth
Jesus: *takes bong hit* Tomorrow
God: You’ve been saying that for centuries
Jesus: *exhales*
This fishing rod sucks. I have yet catch a single oyster.
People who call themselves “grammar Nazis” deserve the worst possible sentence.
From Facebook just now…
Doctor: I have good news!
Me: oh thank God
Doctor: Do you want to die?
Me: No!
Doctor: Right I thought you were gonna say yes ok I have bad news 🙁
Thanks autocorrect…clearly “I am fantasy” is a better answer than “fantastic” when asked how I’m doing…
I hated muffins until I was 17 & saw someone remove the wrapper on the bottom of a muffin before eating one. Prior to this, I thought it was just part of the muffin eating experience & would angrily eat muffin wrappers because… I just thought that I had to.
Why was six afraid of seven? Generations of institutionalized bigotry.
why do only doctors get a special hammer for beating people with. I should be allowed to have one of these too
[Gameshow]
Host: “You are one question away from our grand prize. How do you feel?”
Me: “With my hands.”
Host: “Correct!”
*crowd goes nuts*
If a bear attacks you, the best thing to do is play dead. Unless it’s Dave, the Necrophiliac Bear
Just taught my son how to use a hand dryer, and of course the last step was, “and then wipe them on your pants.”
WIFE: Did you take care of that thing I asked you to do?
ME: No.
WIFE: I’ve asked you at least 10 times.
ME: I’ll get it done this afternoon.
WIFE: You better.
ME (terrified): [has no idea what she asked me to do.]
I actually saw someone close the door to the kitchen with a 1cm gap at the bottom in a very confident and misguided attempt to keep the ants out.
FINE, it was me!
Sorry I was gone for 3 years. I went on you-tube to watch to just one video.