Getting caught doing nothing is NOT an option
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I heard a photographer was killed in a freak accident when a large wheel of cheddar landed on her.
To be fair, the people who were being photographed did try to warn her.
*opens facebook messenger*
*sips mtn dew twice*
*strokes neckbeard*
*begins typing*
Sorry abt ur mom dying
Tis a shame
Btw ur attractive
I once watched a mime choke to death on a street corner and everyone applauded. For a couple of reasons.
Trying to find the $59 airfare advertised by Southwest is the adult version of Where’s Waldo.
Me: *wakes up screaming*
Wife: What’s wrong?
Me: Nightmare with the Microsoft Word Paperclip Helper again
Wife: Need some help?
Me: AHHH
Her: I like a man who’s loud in bed
Me: *turns on my cpap machine*
Her: Not like that
I have a favorite Telehealth doctor I talk to a lot. I said, “I think I’m dying.” She said, “You’re not dying.” I said, “How do you know?” She said, “Because you keep calling me.”
my favorite game is called “Secret Family.” I go to the movies & sit near a group of strangers & pretend they love me
It’s an unspoken rule on garbage day that pajamaed neighbors pretend not to see each other.
Avocados were 5 for $2 so anyway that’s how I ended up paying $2 to eat one avocado
if any of u nasty little cretins were even the least bit curious where i’m at right now i just tried to wipe a couple raindrops off my phone so they wouldn’t show up in a screenshot i was taking
I have no witty tweets puh rum pum pum pum.
Me: I bumped into your Grandpa earlier
Wife: My grandpa has been buried in the graveyard for 10 years
Me: My driving test went really badly
I’ve dated a depressed lawyer and a manic musician, but now I’m dating an emotionally stable psychic. He’s wonderful. A happy medium.
4-year-old: I put my Barbie in the tanning bed.
Me: You don’t have a Barbie tanning bed.
4:
Me: *sprints to the toaster*
[at divorce lawyer]
bad news, currently all your husbands assets are frozen
“he didn’t”
he bought 1547 copies of it, he must really hate you
If you don’t charge your Fitbit, it can’t express disappointment in you.
*phone rings*
Meh, if it’s so important, they’ll leave a message.
*voicemail notification*
Meh, if it’s so important, they’ll text.
Let’s just wait until Kevin McCallister is like 80 and make Nursing Home Alone
I stand right next to the “God Hates Fags” guy with a sign that says “Please Ignore My Ex-Boyfriend”
Satan: welcome to hell, know why you’re here?
Me: I regularly quoted mov-
Satan: YOU REGULARLY QUOTED MOVIES YOU HADN’T SEEN, SOOO OBNOXIOUS
Maybe, if I sit very still, this nice family at Olive Garden won’t notice that I’m sitting at their table eating their bread sticks.
[face pressed against the glass case in the butcher shop] This is a bad zoo
[waffle house]
Waitress: how do u like your eggs
Me: hatched and with their families
W: no how do u like them cooked
M: [spits out coffee]
Did you guys know that protons have mass?
I didn’t even know they were Catholic…
sheep: “why do we all look the same?”
other sheep: “it freaks me out tbh”
another sheep: “i dont even know which one of us is me”
me: I saw you kissing santa claus last night
mom: that was actually your father
me: *tearing up* omg does dad know
I love my wife dearly, but she just used the word “whatevs” for the first time, so 17 years. It’s been a good run.