society: let’s give mothers their very own day
me: what about sharks?
society: we’ll give them a whole week
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Oh boy, $150,000!
When another writer is telling you about their latest script deal.
saw a space station pass through the sky last night which was cool but what was not cool was that I saw a guy looking out the window and he mouthed “nerd” at me
This ebola scare is getting out of hand I just threw ebola at someone who said good morning to me before I had my coffee
I don’t want your pity sandwiches. I mean I’m still gonna eat them and enjoy them. But I don’t want them.
Frankly, I don’t know how Jason and Freddy put up with all the screaming
Coating a few marbles in melted chocolate to mix in with my Whoppers as a surprise for future me.
Where’s Waldo?
*Leans in*
Buddy, the last person who came around here asking those kinds of questions can’t be found neither
[Alien family passing Earth]
*door lock noise*
ME: *does something stupid*
I hope no one saw me do thatALSO ME: *texting all my friends* Listen to what I just did
Dr: any side effects from that new medicine?
Me plopping myself down onto his lap: it makes me overly affectionate
Movie Idea:
Lohan.
Bynes.
Statham.
DEATH RACE 2
Apple managed to launch IPhone 8 and make it outdated all in a span of 25 minutes #AppleEvent
i once saw a pigeon on the subway & it got off at the financial distribct & all i coud think was “cool. that bird makes more money than me”
The worst thing a woman can ask a man is “Guess what today is.”
Mom taught us that “shut up” was the worst thing you could ever say to someone. But I had bigger dreams.
My third bottle of wine was able to “breathe” for a few hours when I opened it at 3am and passed out on the floor.
[first date]
Adam: *puts phone face down on the table* hey
Eve: interesting, are you afraid I’ll see a text from another woman
Adam: *rubbing the bridge of his nose* how could that even be possible
I was reading to my kids today and in the story, there was a pregnant woman.
My 3 year-old asked, “What happened to her belly?”
I replied, “There’s a baby in there.”
3 was horrified; “She ate a baby?!”
Sensing a good opportunity, I said “Yes.”
Sleep well tonight, kid.
[pinned down by sniper fire]
Squad leader: I’m going in. Hughes, lay down some cover for me
Me [putting a blanket on the floor]: you betcha
Have a nice weekend
YOU have a nice weekend
No YOU have a nice weekend
*gets in coworker’s face*
I WANT YOU TO HAVE A BETTER WEEKEND THAN ME
me: you can get hurt when you don’t listen. daddy and I watched a show last night about a kid who lost his eye because he was being bad
6: what happened?!
me: well, he stole a dragon but that’s not the point
4yo: i’m going to scare them when they come in the door
me: oh wow that’s silly
4yo: yeah but I won’t kill them. This time.
me: wait, what?
me: i wanna see how high this cliff is
Charles Darwin: ok, go ahead
me: ill jump off and you count how long im in the air
Charles Darwin: wait but that could ki-
me: what
Charles Darwin:
me: that could what Charles
*stops next to punks at red light*
*stares them down, turns up The Walking Dead opening music*
*light turns green, slowly accelerates*
My son was at his blacksmithing camp yesterday. He came home with a knife “forged in the dark of an eclipse.”
I am so proud.
My new rescue dog has figured out how to step on the pedal and open the trash can.
I don’t think my children ever learned that.
I could own zero permanent markers and my toddler would find at least 5 of them.
Teach a man to fish and he will evolve to become so skilled at it that he destroys the ocean and kills every last fish. Nice one education.
In the 1800s women were sometimes forced to wear an “A” on their clothing, signifying that they were Alvin from the Chipmunks.