A chihuahua is just a barking cat.
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Me: ugh I HATE meeting new people
Midwife: Support his head
bill nye is short for william new year’s eve
I don’t know why I would ever look to Google for reassurance when it keeps me well-fed with headlines like, “The No. 1 Sign There’s a Snake in Your Car”
babe are you okay??? you’ve barely touched your chromatica limited edition curry
This baby at McDonalds may have started the screaming competition, but I guarantee I’m going to win it.
“Is it better to be feared, or to be loved?” Cats chose both, and they’re doing fine
i feel like if you can prove you got below a C in high school chemistry you should be able to bring big liquids in your airplane carry on
a new guy joined our group last night and he was taller than me and I joked “dang I’m used to being the tall one of the group” and he whispered in my ear “now you’re just the loud one” ???
Damn boy, are you the black jelly bean?
Because I absentmindedly picked you, and now I regret having you in my mouth.
fedex guy: here’s your package
me: thanks
fedex guy: sign please
me: [blushing] Pisces
Want his attention?
Send nudes
Want to piss him off?
When he responds,
reply “Oops, wrong person”
Want some raisins?
No thanks.
Want some raisins covered in dark chocolate?
Dammit, I’m in.
I would really love to see how Michaelangelo managed to paint that ceiling with his nunchucks.
Did you know you have the right to remain silent even when you’re not being arrested?
All I need is to hear those 3 special words
“Want a sandwich?”
I hate it when people that don’t have kids try to give u advice. I think by now I know how much pot my kids can handle, thank you very much.
All I’m saying is Dorothy from The Wizard Of Oz has more confirmed kills than Willy Wonka.
True friends know where you keep the blank check for your bail.
If you can’t beat them
Just try sunny side up
“Oh, hello! I didn’t see you there” – Translation: I have failed to avoid you.
ME: I did it! I finished that project!
IMMUNE SYSTEM: good job!
ME: time for a nice break
IMMUNE SYSTEM: me too
ME: haha yeah
ME: wait
Best Buy: What’s your street name? Me: FUNK MASTER FERG bia bia! Best Buy: No, the name of your street.
Vegetarians need to chill. Mankind is messed up because someone ate an apple they weren’t supposed to.
It can be hard to see beyond the limited perspective any one individual is offered in this tiny life, but try to spare a moment’s empathy for the poor task rabbiter I just hired to install my parents’ WiFi.
The Raptcha…you have to prove you’re not a robot before you can get into heaven
Normally don’t love when patients lie to me but today a patient said I was tall and my 5’8 self believed them
[dog on trial for murder]
lawyer: who’s a good boy?
dog: I am
lawyer: your honor I rest my case
Flight Attendant: Is anyone on this plane a doctor
*Hands shoot up*
FA: …of love?
*I rise, resplendent in my leopard-print leisure suit*
Imagine the things Wile E. Coyote could have done if he’d had access to Amazon Prime Days.
Got a booty text from my ex-husband so I did the logical thing and forwarded it to his new girlfriend.